I Need You!

Well butter me up and call me a biscuit, it’s been a whole freaking year since I started old bloggy here.

Seeing as I’ve been providing you all with such hilarious and thought provoking content once a week(ish) for a full 12 months, I wanted to know – Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

So the comment section on this post (and all other posts) is anonymous. You don’t have to be a member of WordPress to comment, so please feel free to ask whatever your heart desires.  If you don’t mind letting me know your name, you can also get in touch via various social media platforms (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter).

This could be a complete flop and/or total nightmare, but I mean it when I say; Ask me anything.  Dirty, clean, embarrassing, controversial, political, ethical, stupid, intellectual… Other various adjectives – I will answer them.

Next week’s blog is up to you.

Relationship Problems.

Whether or not you read my blogs regularly, if you know me, you’ll know I love my Boyfriend a lot.  It’s no secret that I  think he’s The One  (I definitely do not ask him once a month when he’s going to pop the question) because he’s my best friend and buys me crisps in the shop.

This being said, sometimes, I want to take a pointy knife and just stab him right in the gut over and over until he’s lying motionless on the floor in a pool of his own blood.

Honestly, these times are few and far between but some of the shit he does just drives me up the fucking wall.

For the purposes of research, I asked him to write something about me which annoyed him, but he didn’t get round to it so you snooze you lose, G.

I’m slightly embarrassed about this one, but it drives me mental when he goes out with his mates and doesn’t text me.  We have had so many arguments about this.  I never thought I would be the girlfriend who was obsessed about her partner’s whereabouts, but why can’t he just say; ‘Yo babe, heading to another pub.’  Or; ‘It’s gonna be a late one!  I’ll text when I’m home!’ Or even; ‘dsngrwiu94 hdrunknkk iloveuzxccc.’ But no.  Nothing.  This is especially worse when I’m in work and have nothing to do.  I know he’s not doing anything sinister – But he’s not thinking of me and that pisses me off.

Another thing which annoys the crap clean out of me is when he does housework.  It’s not him actually cleaning the house, but the way he does it.  I like the house being clean and I appreciate everything he does, but when he’s cleaning, he turns into Grumpy Cunt McGee.  He’ll say he isn’t, but his face says it all.  He’ll do the dishes really loudly, he’ll bang cupboards and doors.  He’ll whack the hoover or mop off the skir
ting.  It doesn’t make me want to help you Gareth, you’re clearly not having fun.

He can never remember where anything is.  Like.  Nothing.  He’ll swear till he’s blue in the face that I had something last, until I find it and he’s like “Oh yeah I did put it there…”

He farts and they SMELL SO BAD.  I know this is natural, and it shouldn’t make me mad, but I get so angry when he farts in bed.  Then wafts the blanket.  Normally in the morning I’ve just got off work so I’m having breakfast/dinner in bed beside him, and it ruins my food experience.

On the other side of the coin, imagine living with someone like me. I rarely do housework. I feel like I deserve a medal if I hoover.  In the two years of living with Gareth, I’ve mopped the floor twice.  I get home from work and throw my clothes on the floor.  I leave shoes wherever the fuck I desire. My makeup is all over the floor despite Gareth putting it in boxes. There’s bobby pins everywhere.  I stick my hair on the wall when I shower. I leave dishes everywhere – Even IN bed.  I don’t fold my clothes.  I don’t make the bed.  I don’t wipe the counters.  I don’t pick up dog shit outside.  I need constant attention.  I talk shit about myself. I don’t know how to put on the electric and always leave the heating on.

Despite all these things – and this overrides all the stuff that makes me angry – He’s the best person I’ve ever met and I know he loves me, even if I forget it sometimes.  I know he’s reading this so; Gar, I love you too.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, and he doesn’t let me squeeze his spots.

Friends Required: Apply Within

 

I have always been terrible at making friends.  When I first started school, I hated the other children so much that I insisted I stayed with Mrs Fegan, the cleaner.  She tactically convinced me into painting something one day, and when I turned my back she had sneaked away to get on with her duties.  I cried for the rest of the day.  I was shit at being a child.

Remember the Wendy house in the corner of the classroom that every school had?  I was extremely intimidated by other girls and the friendships they had so easily formed, so I didn’t step foot in the Wendy house till my Mum was late one day and all the other pupils had left.  My brother Harry played with me while my Mum and Mrs O’Connor talked. He stole a plastic onion and we laughed all the way home.

I did have friends eventually, but not until I was around 10.  These are happy memories, but I distinctly remember spending all or most of my time trying to impress them.  I was (and admittedly still am) extremely needy and over-protective, so if someone even indicated they were trying to steal my best friend, they were going down.  I’m not proud to say I was a bit of a bully in my final year of primary school.

The tables really turned in secondary school.  I learned the hard way that being a teenage girl is just the worst.  I had formed group of new ‘best friends’ who dumped me out of the blue one day because they just didn’t want me around anymore. Poof.  I was sitting there one day, offering up my gummy strawberries, and the next thing I know I’m at the back of the classroom alone and crying again.  It didn’t end there though, because they insisted on harassing me on MSN messenger and via text.  One girl in particular was relentless.  I’m not going to name names but lets’ call her Cunty McCunterson.  If anyone treated my sisters the way that she treated me, there is no doubt I would have the police involved. Can you tell I’m still bitter?  Yeah, I’m still bitter.

Fast forward a few years, to when I really was happy.  Truly happy.  I had friends that I loved and I thought I was set for life.  I still had issues with trust, but I finally felt like I could be myself. They meant more to me than my family.  In the end, I relied on them so much I took advantage of them and eventually they left me too. I blamed them for abandoning me, telling myself that if they had of loved me, they would have stayed.  I realise now that they actually gave me loads of chances to be a better friend, and I fucked each one up entirely.  I was never a bad person, I just made some really bad choices.

I told myself for a long time that I was better off alone.  I shut off from everyone and was drifting through life with the mantra that I didn’t care about anyone, and I eventually stopped caring about myself too.  Some people scraped the surface and made me feel like my old self (shout out to my sister, KD, KOH and JC) but in the end I knew I would let them down too.  So I shut them out as well.

*Cue violins* When I met Gareth, a part of me changed.  I wanted to do things differently. So I did. From the very beginning he meant something more to me, so I told him everything; what I had done and who I had let down, why I hated myself as a person and why I felt everyone hated me.  I told him I wanted to change and he believed me. For the first time in a long time he reminded me what it was like not to be so alone.

Being a newly reformed 24 year old is not ideal for making friends.  It’s not like school where you’re socially forced to talk to people.  The thought of voluntarily entering a communal situation like a yoga class or asking someone out on a girl-date is more horrifying than that first day of Primary School.  Truth is, I have no idea how to make friends any more. I wish it was as easy as messaging someone and saying “Hey you seem cool, wanna hang out?” But I’m nervous around girls.  I laugh at my own jokes and create awkward silences. I pretend to be cool and pretty when really; I haven’t showered in a week.  I run away from conversation but get jealous if you have other friends.  

 

The changes I’ve been trying to make this year have influenced this blog.  I need positive people around me.  Everyone is worthy of friends, and I need to stop being so scared of having them.

How to Win at Scrabble.

This is kind of a step away from my most recent posts.  It’s not actually a tutorial on how to win at Scrabble (sorry), however, it is something that is of great interest to me. Put simply; words.  Words that you didn’t know existed.

I’ve always loved reading.  One thing that I was always good at.  I remember the smug pride when I moved onto Key Stage 5 books in primary school (shout out to Biff, Chip, Floppy, Kipper, Wilf, Wilma, Mum and Dad).  My Mum has always read, and my Dad has always encouraged it, so I grew up with Rohal Dhal, Dick King Smith, R.L Stein, C.S Lewis, Tolkin, Peter V Brett, Patrick Rothfuss and my absolute hero JK Rowling.

Despite in the past having read up to 6 or 7 books per annum, within the last few years my reading pattern has dwindled.  This is partly down to not having too much on my mind and/or lack of concentration.  Mostly I blame technology *shakes fist*.  Sometimes I could spend an hour on Pinterest or YouTube rather than reading, but once I start a book, I’m always reminded how (for me) it is the ultimate escape.

Reading is the only time I’ll ever look up the meaning of a word.  If I see something in a book that I don’t know the definition of, I’ll look it up.  I really enjoy the feeling of knowing stuff, so in this blog, I’ve found some cool words that you might like to whip out in conversation in order to confuse everyone around you.

Philtrum – This is the little groove below your nose and above your upper lip.  How to use in conversation; “I stroke my philtrum when I’m thinking.”

Ferrule – The metal part on the bottom of a pencil. How to use; “My flipping ferrule flew off my pencil”

Mondegreen – A misheard lyric.  Eg, in Taylor Swift’s song ‘Blank Space’ I always thought the lyrics were “Got a list of Starbucks lovers” when it’s actually “Got a long list of ex-lovers”.  What a fucking mondegreen.

Tittle – This is the dot over an I or a J.  How cool is that?!

Bibble – Nothing to do with punctuation, it’s actually the noise you make when you’re a noisy eater.

Misophonia – The fear of specific noises.  Like cutting cardboard or eating Wotsits.

Trypophobia – The fear of irregular sized holes.  Google Image Search.  I might have this.

Zarf – This is the cardboard sleeve which protects your hand from searing hot take-away coffee.  How to use “If I can’t have a zarf can I at least have another cup?”

Frisson – The sudden feeling of excitement.  I used to always get this feeling before I went out.  It’s kinda like shivers, but some people also refer to it as having some one walk over their grave.  In future if you hear someone say this you can respond “No you dumb shit that was a frisson, duh.”

Glabella – The space between your eyebrows, just above your nose.  In a sentence; “I have a splitting pain behind my glabella”  HAHA!  No will know what you’re on about!

Dysania – I was shocked that this word isn’t used more often.  Dysania is the feeling you get in the morning when you are physically and emotionally struggling to get out of bed.

Jentacular – This comes after dysania.  It’s wanting breakfast as soon as you manage to get out of bed.

Wamble – Finally, this is the sound your stomach makes when it grumbles.  “Give me food, the wambles are getting out of hand.”  (Not sure if that’s correct use of the term)

Isn’t learning fun!?

To conclude, I just wanted to touch on what I’ve been harping on about in my previous bloggies – mindfulness and wellbeing. The reason I’ve started to read and learn a bit more is to aid my mental health.  I can’t stress enough how important it is to take time to do something for yourself, even if it is just learning the meaning of a new word.  A new word can start a conversation with a stranger, teach you something you may never have known and encourage you to go on and learn something else.

You have control over your kismet.  (Look it up)

Relationship Goals.

He’s not trying to kill me, it’s just drunken love.

Uniquely designed to pull at the heartstrings, ‘Relationship Goals’ are on the increase online. However, there is a reality with regards to the pictures you may have been seeing of tanned, laughing couples sharing ice-cream and generally having a better time than you are.

A quick background of my relationship for contextual purposes; I’m 23, Boyfriend is 28. Known him for 7ish years.  We’ve been in a relationship for the past (almost) two years. After a complicated beginning back in 2008, we met up for a real ‘date’ about two summers ago and have been inseparable ever since. He asked me out on Christmas day 2013 via card. He gave me a card and a present on the 20th of December and told me not to open it before Christmas day. I figured it would be alright to open the card because he wasn’t specific about that.  It said “I hope this is how my girlfriend will smell.”  I was really confused and sniffed the card. Turns out the present was perfume and I was supposed to open it first. We went on holiday together Summer 2014 which wasn’t a disaster, so I moved in with him last October.  He’s my best friend.

So I did a quick search of the most popular Relationship Goals, and am now prepared to shed some light on the reality of these situations.

The majority of relationship goals that came up in a totally reliable Google Image search seemed to be simply, hanging out. ‘Netflix and chill’ is a term that’s blown up recently, and for good reason.  Netflix is far cheaper than the movies, you don’t have to get dressed up, or even leave the comfort of your own home. Boyfriend and I ‘Netflix and Chill’ almost every night we have together, though we have upgraded it to ‘Netflix and Chill and Alcohol and Snacks’.  The expectation of this is sitting under a blanket all cosy wearing one of his hoodies, with your hair in a pony tail but still looking sexy-cute with your head on his shoulder.  Our reality is me, sitting under the blanket by myself because I’m freezing, wearing a fleece that’s covered in dog hair, having not washed after a week of work, drinking wine from a recycled jam jar because all the wine glasses broke. We normally watch the beginning of two or three movies before saying “This is shit” and trying to find another. If we do sit together on the sofa (Boyfriend likes to sit in his man-chair) we have to get up every 30 minutes or so to go to the bathroom, have a smoke or get another drink. One of us ends up falling asleep to be woken by the other mumbling “Bedtime?”and we shuffle off to our room after turning off all the switches (which is for some reason SO ANNOYING when you’re tired.)

Another popular relationship goal – Playing video games together.  The image I found is of a girl sitting up against a guy holding a controller.  I hate playing video games.  I am terrible at them, and in contrast, Boyfriend is brilliant.  I barely have an attention span to live my own life never mind a fantasy one. I wouldn’t say I was competitive, but last time we played Mario Cart on the Wii, I gave up after one game and told him to fuck off.

Tickles are fun and cute, right? No. I don’t think there is anything boyfriend hates more than being tickled.  If I even say “Tickles!” to him he starts to laugh but has a deep hollow fear in his eyes. Sometimes when we lay in bed and I put my arm around him, he flinches because he’s afraid my hand will apply too much pressure on his rib-cage. We wrestle often, but he doesn’t want to play if I even threaten tickles.

Funny story about the next ‘goal’. Being on a beach together. I mentioned earlier we went on holiday a few summers ago.  We spent around ten days in Majorca and had a pretty amazing time. One fine day we took the ten minute walk down towards the beach. The weather was like 32 degrees and we were dying to get in the sea.  It was a nice breezy day too, perfect beach weather!  We bought a lie-low on the way, and although the beach was packed we found a nice place to put up our little umbrella to settle down and laze the day away.  We took it in turns going into the sea, because we didn’t want anyone to steal our shit. I got sick of this pretty quickly – I wanted to hang out with him in the sea on the lie-low.  There was loads of couples abandoning their stuff and being romantic together, so we cautiously did the same.  It was fun for a while, but I got a bit bored and wanted to go back and read my book.  We had swam out pretty far so it took me a while to swim back.  I started to paddle/walk the last bit of the way, and as I was just reaching the end, I stood up fully to look around for where we had put our towels. I turned to give boyfriend a cheeky wave to show him I had found my way. As I turned, out of nowhere a full-on tidal wave, body slammed me.  I fell over (obviously) and in my embarrassed panic to stand up, I couldn’t find my feet and did a weird floppy thing along the shore.  I swallowed a liter of sea water, and as I came up from under the water (having avoided certain death) all I could see was boyfriend’s gleeful face, laughing hysterically, trying (failing) to ask me was I alright.  He pointed at me but as he was laughing so hard I didn’t know what he was saying. A short while later I realized my top had come off. RIP dignity.  RIP sunglasses. Still, this moment reaches top three in “Funniest things to ever happen” awards.

I think I should leave it at that, so I don’t embarrass myself further. There is a lot more I could write about; grocery shopping (NO YOU BUY THE BREAD) or who does the most housework, but to conclude, I don’t think any relationship is perfect, especially ours.  I don’t agree with people when they say relationships are hard work, and if they are, should you really be in one?  I wouldn’t change a thing about him, and he wouldn’t change a thing about me.

(Or else.)