I Need You!

Well butter me up and call me a biscuit, it’s been a whole freaking year since I started old bloggy here.

Seeing as I’ve been providing you all with such hilarious and thought provoking content once a week(ish) for a full 12 months, I wanted to know – Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

So the comment section on this post (and all other posts) is anonymous. You don’t have to be a member of WordPress to comment, so please feel free to ask whatever your heart desires.  If you don’t mind letting me know your name, you can also get in touch via various social media platforms (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter).

This could be a complete flop and/or total nightmare, but I mean it when I say; Ask me anything.  Dirty, clean, embarrassing, controversial, political, ethical, stupid, intellectual… Other various adjectives – I will answer them.

Next week’s blog is up to you.

Life Update: Moving Forwards

There hasn’t been any earth shattering changes since I wrote ‘Fresh Starts‘ or ‘Friends Required‘  but it would be untrue to say that these posts haven’t slightly changed things my life.

When I wrote Fresh Starts I  was emerging from a pretty bad place. I spoke about mindfulness and being grateful for what I have.  This didn’t come easy to me, and still doesn’t, but I find myself caring a lot less about material things.  In the last few months of 2015, I became more and more obsessed with things I couldn’t have. We couldn’t afford a new apartment, I couldn’t afford nice beauty products, to paint the house or buy new clothes.  It drove me insane. Everyone around me seemed to have it all.  When I finally came to realise that that doesn’t matter, I saw everything clearer.  These material things will come eventually, and even if they don’t, I’m beginning to learn that there are better feelings than that of possession.

The feedback on both blogs was extremely positive.  I had almost given up writing in December and am so truly glad now that I endured.  It’s worth it on a night out when someone from your past says “Oh my God, I love your blog” or “I read it all the time”. Only if it’s one person, I still think; “Someone actually reads what I have to say!” I’ve never felt pride when I bought a new foundation.  I’ve never been satisfied because I bought a new dress three days ago.  I have, however, felt these things because I chose to write.

Friends Required had more of an impact.  The strangest thing is, I almost wasn’t going to
publish this because I thought it came across that I wanted to be pitied.  I want
to thank the people who got in touch because they felt the same way.  It took a lot of balls to tell someone you don’t really know that you’re not entirely happy with your life.  Again, this feeling of acceptance and shared emotion is far superior to any new lipstick.  People should reach out and be unafraid, because those that reached out to me changed my life a little bit more.

I met up with an old friend a few weeks back, and I was so nervous before I was desperately looking for an excuse to cancel. I was getting irrationally irritated at myself for making plans, saying I wished I had had a ‘bed day’ instead, because I hadn’t had one in a while.  I almost didn’t answer the door when he finally arrived. I’m pleased to say that once we hung out for about 5 minutes it was as if nothing had changed.  We talked about the past and things we used to think were funny (still hilarious), we talked about new things and how being a grown-up is surreal.  It was the same, but different. When he left, I felt as though I had achieved an award.

I’m still totally terrified when it comes to meeting new people, but at least now I’m excited about it.  I want to go out and see a movie with a friend, because I want that confidence again. There’s always going to be an initial awkward moment but after you move past it, it’s nothing more than mutual interests and shared experiences.

This being said, I haven’t transformed into this totally different person. I still have days where I feel like scum, but these are less now. I’m not the confident, forgiving, inspirational person I would like to be, but I think I’m getting there.

Friends Required: Apply Within

 

I have always been terrible at making friends.  When I first started school, I hated the other children so much that I insisted I stayed with Mrs Fegan, the cleaner.  She tactically convinced me into painting something one day, and when I turned my back she had sneaked away to get on with her duties.  I cried for the rest of the day.  I was shit at being a child.

Remember the Wendy house in the corner of the classroom that every school had?  I was extremely intimidated by other girls and the friendships they had so easily formed, so I didn’t step foot in the Wendy house till my Mum was late one day and all the other pupils had left.  My brother Harry played with me while my Mum and Mrs O’Connor talked. He stole a plastic onion and we laughed all the way home.

I did have friends eventually, but not until I was around 10.  These are happy memories, but I distinctly remember spending all or most of my time trying to impress them.  I was (and admittedly still am) extremely needy and over-protective, so if someone even indicated they were trying to steal my best friend, they were going down.  I’m not proud to say I was a bit of a bully in my final year of primary school.

The tables really turned in secondary school.  I learned the hard way that being a teenage girl is just the worst.  I had formed group of new ‘best friends’ who dumped me out of the blue one day because they just didn’t want me around anymore. Poof.  I was sitting there one day, offering up my gummy strawberries, and the next thing I know I’m at the back of the classroom alone and crying again.  It didn’t end there though, because they insisted on harassing me on MSN messenger and via text.  One girl in particular was relentless.  I’m not going to name names but lets’ call her Cunty McCunterson.  If anyone treated my sisters the way that she treated me, there is no doubt I would have the police involved. Can you tell I’m still bitter?  Yeah, I’m still bitter.

Fast forward a few years, to when I really was happy.  Truly happy.  I had friends that I loved and I thought I was set for life.  I still had issues with trust, but I finally felt like I could be myself. They meant more to me than my family.  In the end, I relied on them so much I took advantage of them and eventually they left me too. I blamed them for abandoning me, telling myself that if they had of loved me, they would have stayed.  I realise now that they actually gave me loads of chances to be a better friend, and I fucked each one up entirely.  I was never a bad person, I just made some really bad choices.

I told myself for a long time that I was better off alone.  I shut off from everyone and was drifting through life with the mantra that I didn’t care about anyone, and I eventually stopped caring about myself too.  Some people scraped the surface and made me feel like my old self (shout out to my sister, KD, KOH and JC) but in the end I knew I would let them down too.  So I shut them out as well.

*Cue violins* When I met Gareth, a part of me changed.  I wanted to do things differently. So I did. From the very beginning he meant something more to me, so I told him everything; what I had done and who I had let down, why I hated myself as a person and why I felt everyone hated me.  I told him I wanted to change and he believed me. For the first time in a long time he reminded me what it was like not to be so alone.

Being a newly reformed 24 year old is not ideal for making friends.  It’s not like school where you’re socially forced to talk to people.  The thought of voluntarily entering a communal situation like a yoga class or asking someone out on a girl-date is more horrifying than that first day of Primary School.  Truth is, I have no idea how to make friends any more. I wish it was as easy as messaging someone and saying “Hey you seem cool, wanna hang out?” But I’m nervous around girls.  I laugh at my own jokes and create awkward silences. I pretend to be cool and pretty when really; I haven’t showered in a week.  I run away from conversation but get jealous if you have other friends.  

 

The changes I’ve been trying to make this year have influenced this blog.  I need positive people around me.  Everyone is worthy of friends, and I need to stop being so scared of having them.

How to Win at Scrabble.

This is kind of a step away from my most recent posts.  It’s not actually a tutorial on how to win at Scrabble (sorry), however, it is something that is of great interest to me. Put simply; words.  Words that you didn’t know existed.

I’ve always loved reading.  One thing that I was always good at.  I remember the smug pride when I moved onto Key Stage 5 books in primary school (shout out to Biff, Chip, Floppy, Kipper, Wilf, Wilma, Mum and Dad).  My Mum has always read, and my Dad has always encouraged it, so I grew up with Rohal Dhal, Dick King Smith, R.L Stein, C.S Lewis, Tolkin, Peter V Brett, Patrick Rothfuss and my absolute hero JK Rowling.

Despite in the past having read up to 6 or 7 books per annum, within the last few years my reading pattern has dwindled.  This is partly down to not having too much on my mind and/or lack of concentration.  Mostly I blame technology *shakes fist*.  Sometimes I could spend an hour on Pinterest or YouTube rather than reading, but once I start a book, I’m always reminded how (for me) it is the ultimate escape.

Reading is the only time I’ll ever look up the meaning of a word.  If I see something in a book that I don’t know the definition of, I’ll look it up.  I really enjoy the feeling of knowing stuff, so in this blog, I’ve found some cool words that you might like to whip out in conversation in order to confuse everyone around you.

Philtrum – This is the little groove below your nose and above your upper lip.  How to use in conversation; “I stroke my philtrum when I’m thinking.”

Ferrule – The metal part on the bottom of a pencil. How to use; “My flipping ferrule flew off my pencil”

Mondegreen – A misheard lyric.  Eg, in Taylor Swift’s song ‘Blank Space’ I always thought the lyrics were “Got a list of Starbucks lovers” when it’s actually “Got a long list of ex-lovers”.  What a fucking mondegreen.

Tittle – This is the dot over an I or a J.  How cool is that?!

Bibble – Nothing to do with punctuation, it’s actually the noise you make when you’re a noisy eater.

Misophonia – The fear of specific noises.  Like cutting cardboard or eating Wotsits.

Trypophobia – The fear of irregular sized holes.  Google Image Search.  I might have this.

Zarf – This is the cardboard sleeve which protects your hand from searing hot take-away coffee.  How to use “If I can’t have a zarf can I at least have another cup?”

Frisson – The sudden feeling of excitement.  I used to always get this feeling before I went out.  It’s kinda like shivers, but some people also refer to it as having some one walk over their grave.  In future if you hear someone say this you can respond “No you dumb shit that was a frisson, duh.”

Glabella – The space between your eyebrows, just above your nose.  In a sentence; “I have a splitting pain behind my glabella”  HAHA!  No will know what you’re on about!

Dysania – I was shocked that this word isn’t used more often.  Dysania is the feeling you get in the morning when you are physically and emotionally struggling to get out of bed.

Jentacular – This comes after dysania.  It’s wanting breakfast as soon as you manage to get out of bed.

Wamble – Finally, this is the sound your stomach makes when it grumbles.  “Give me food, the wambles are getting out of hand.”  (Not sure if that’s correct use of the term)

Isn’t learning fun!?

To conclude, I just wanted to touch on what I’ve been harping on about in my previous bloggies – mindfulness and wellbeing. The reason I’ve started to read and learn a bit more is to aid my mental health.  I can’t stress enough how important it is to take time to do something for yourself, even if it is just learning the meaning of a new word.  A new word can start a conversation with a stranger, teach you something you may never have known and encourage you to go on and learn something else.

You have control over your kismet.  (Look it up)

Fear.

“We fear violence less than our own feelings. Personal, private, solitary pain is more terrifying than what anyone else can inflict.” – Jim Morrison

I regard myself as an emotional person, but today, I have found it difficult to go about addressing what I’d like to write.  I recently told Boyfriend that I wanted to start a 90 day challenge, the purpose of which to go about my day with a contrary outlook – To be more organised, more positive, to exercise, be mindful of myself in order to make choices that benefit me and those around me.  I realized long ago that this is the way I should be living my life, I hoped if I could practice this successfully for 90 days, I would be encouraged to extend the challenge and push myself to do greater things.

I failed on the second day.  I read that in order to make changes you had to start small.  I set myself two goals for Day One; 30 mins of exercise and to clean our bedroom.  Check and check!  I walked Barney then did a huge overhaul of my things – Clothes, shoes, bags, old bed covers – Anything that I held in my hands and wasn’t absolutely positive I wanted to keep.  I’m an excessively sentimental person and keep hold of pretty much everything.  However, this time I was brutal.  Dress I wore once that my mum gave me after a fight? Charity bag.  T-Shirts from Primark I kept just to wear to bed? – Charity bag. Scraggly old skirt I bought in a sale three summers ago and never wore? Charity bag. All in all, two bin sacks of clothes, four pairs of shoes and a few handbags. I hoovered under the bed and found places for everything; anything that didn’t have a place, didn’t have a purpose.

I was really proud of myself.  Boyfriend was proud too.  I felt great. Motivated.  The air felt cleaner.  These tasks were simple and productive, I genuinely felt like the 90 days was going to be a breeze.

The second day was a Saturday.  We had had a few drinks the night before and, well honestly I was hungover.  Ever tried to be motivated with a hangover?  It’s not ideal.  I spent most of the day in bed, either asleep or watching Pretty Little Liars on my iPad.  This I didn’t really regret – I love bed – But when Boyfriend left to go to a leaving party, I started to feel down.  I reflected on my day and it felt wasted. The more I thought about it the worse I felt.  I couldn’t even go two days in a row being a better person.  Barney hadn’t been walked, so I  just about forced myself to get up, put on jogging bottoms (didn’t change my bed t-shirt) and take him outside. He dragged me down the street and I dragged him home, after being out for about 15 minutes.  I felt worse when I came back.  I should have went with Boyfriend. I should have got up earlier.  Should have got dressed.  Made a meal instead of snacking all day. Should have taken Barney out till he was so tired he was the one looking forward to going home. Should have done the washing.  Should have tidied the kitchen.  Should have hung up the laundry. Should stop feeling so sorry for myself.

Depression is a bad thing, but you can’t argue it’s not a great word.  It sounds like something sinking, or being overwhelmed and suffocated.  That’s how it feels too.

The reason I failed on the second day is because I let this feeling get the better of me.  I indulged in it. It’s a lot easier to give up than to try, especially when you’re on your own.  If depression was a person he would say “You don’t deserve me.”  How dare I call myself depressed when there’s so many people who have it worse off than me? What right do I have to be unhappy? How can I, who has everything I need and want, possibly feel so low I can’t even take my dog for a walk?

Then the guilt sets in, and guilt is depressions most loyal friend.

The truth is I’ve been struggling with this cycle for a number of years.  The guilt, the depression.  It scares me.  Terrifies me.  It can come at anytime, and it effects everyone around me.  There’s no rock bottom, but a number of them more embarrassing than the last.  I pushed away the people who meant the most to me, because it was easier to give up than to try and explain.  How do you tell someone you haven’t kept in contact because you’re sad?  How do you explain that you’re angry at them, even though they’ve done nothing wrong? How can the actions I’ve taken and the pain I’ve caused be down to a chemical imbalance in my brain?

I’ve read a lot on the subject of depression and mental health disorders.  I’m no expert, but I know that 1 in 4 people will suffer a mental health problem. I’ve noticed a rise in media sources encouraging others to shake off the stigma of depression and get help.  Tell someone, do something.  Shake off the fear and take the first step.

Yes, you will ALWAYS get the person who tells you to “Just cheer up”, or the doctor who looks at you with a blank face and says “Well do you have any hobbies to keep you busy?”  No you ass-clown, I don’t enjoy them anymore, I’m fucking depressed.

I’ve had this conversation with a doctor (didn’t call her an ass-clown) and it was difficult.  I don’t think she understood, but it’s not really her job to.  I’m sure in that moment she would have rather looked at an ingrown toenail than my tear-stained, pleading face.  But she knew who could help, and referred me on to another team.  This is the 5th time I’ve been referred to a counselling service.

The reason I’m being so honest is because this time, I feel it might work.  The little rays of sunshine in my life get stronger every day, and I’ve realized that all pain is temporary.  I picture those who still have hope for me, because if I dwell too much on the people I have let down, there’s no escaping depression.  I fear the feeling of failure, but even if I don’t manage to do 90 ‘good’ days in a row, why shouldn’t it be an accomplishment to do one day? One day will bleed into the next, and the next.  If I slip up I start again.  I could look back on a month and see I had 15 good days out of 30. That’s half my time spent being the person I want to be.  That’s reason in itself to try harder in the new month.

A Recommendation and a Realisation.

Netflix is strange.  I often scroll an inappropriate amount of time looking for something of interest.  When it’s my turn to choose, either it’s a movie my boyfriend has already seen, or it’s only been rated with 2 stars.  We learned the hard way not to give the 2 stars a chance – they’re rated low because they’re terrible.  Trust the stars.  We often have to abandon the Xbox to look on our phones, as they seem to provide a wider range of choice.

Last night however, it thankfully wasn’t my turn to choose.  I was busy in the kitchen, leaving my boyfriend the laborious task of choosing.  After about 3 minutes I hear “Molly, do you want to watch this?”

I could spend 40 minutes going through each category.  In particular, even though I know all the scary movies are awful, I still read almost every abridgment to see if they’re worth risking the 2 star rating (No!  Never!).

He had chosen a movie called ‘Advantageous’. Written and starring Jacqueline Kim, Netflix doesn’t give much away about the plot with the synopsis saying “In her profession, getting older isn’t an option.  Science has a solution, but it’s the ultimate sacrifice. (2015)”

It opens with a young girl and her mother singing in French, playing piano.  They’re in a normal looking apartment, suitable for two bodies to live comfortably.  It’s the kind of apartment I would like, lots of warm colours among the organised clutter of books and furniture, lamps tucked away in the corners, not a computer or television in sight.

Gwen Koh (Jacqueline Kim) and her 13 year old daughter, Jules (Samantha Kim) obviously have a close relationship.  Thinking back on it now, I automatically assumed Gwen to be a single parent, judged purely on the first scene of the film.  The intro is slightly drawn out, comprising of mostly arty farty shots of children leaping about an unidentifiable city and close ups of Gwen and Jules’ face.  The movie kick starts into action when something zooms over the head of Jules and her friends. It’s only when the camera follows her gaze towards the sound in the sky, we find the movie is actually set in the future, because nothing says an opulent future like a really fast hovercraft!

At the beginning, Gwen seems to be a highly powered individual in a prestigious company, which seems to specialize in innovative technology surrounding medical procedures aimed at making people look younger.  In time, we find that Gwen can no longer be regarded as the spokesperson of the business due to her age and appearance.  This comes at the worst possible time for Gwen, as Jules is transitioning into a secondary school which happens to have astronomical fees.  Naturally, Gwen wants what’s best for her child, but it’s also reiterated to the audience how brilliant Jules is.  Extremely talented in all aspects of academia, including music and foreign languages, we are handed the impression that Jules and her mother have worked extremely hard to be where they are in this society, where women seem to have lost the battle for equality.

Having been made redundant, Gwen desperately seeks for a way to fund the tuition. She has a limited number of options.  Unable to find another well paid job, or unwilling to wait for it, she turns to her family. We find she is not close to her parents due to their contrasting religious beliefs, and the relationship she has with Jules’ father, Han (played by Ken Jeong*) is more complicated than most.  She does go to him, he does not want to help, but for understandable reasons.  She seeks her estranged cousin who ultimately cannot bring herself to cooperate, due to a betrayal some years before.

The futuristic setting of this movie is very subtle, holographic phone calls, tiny blue-tooth ear pieces, the aforementioned hovercraft’s, but what really makes it hauntingly believable is the way in which society seems to have deemed women as useless after the age of 40.  The desperation portrayed by Jacqueline Kim becomes increasingly intense, and we find her putting herself in a hazardous position only a very reckless woman could do.  She returns to her previous employers and offers herself up for a new experimental procedure. This will reinstate her high up in the company, providing her with a salary which will secure the future for not only Jules and her education, but the modest lifestyle they both continue to live.

Needless to say, the movie progresses into dark territory.  Gwen tries to hide that she is struggling, but Jules (being as intelligent as she is) raises awkward questions which her mother clearly wants to avoid. Despite deciding to discuss the procedure in depth with her daughter in order to prepare them both, Gwen fails to mention that she has no other option, stating that the procedure is for the good of her career.  The bond that mother and daughter have is tested to breaking point after it is followed through.  The unanswered question lingers “Was it worth it?” – Especially when it’s uncovered that Gwen may not have had to make such a subitaneous decision to participate in this drastic, experimental measure.

In all truths, this movie made me sad.  The divide between men and women in society was far more pronounced, but after contemplating it a little, perhaps I’m just ignorant to the struggles which older women have?  I feel there is currently a conscious movement towards empowering young women to achieve, but what upset me about this depiction of the near future, is that this current movement seems to have fallen flat on it’s face.

I would never have regarded myself as a feminist.  My only experience with a true feminist would be my old sociology teacher who almost daily crammed it down my throat – The thought that the only reason women did anything was for the pleasure of men was sickening.  I have come realise that this is not the case, and that I do feel strongly about feminism. Men and women are different, but equal too.  It’s no use getting upset if a male were to say I couldn’t be a fireman, because I wouldn’t want to.  I’d be terrible at fighting fires.  I can’t even do a push up.   Similarly, it’s no use getting upset if a man were to say they couldn’t be a midwife.  Most men have no idea about childbirth.

This movie highlighted the importance of remembering the ‘different but equal’ mantra that has been ticker taping around my brain since I watched it. I’ve mentioned before that I hate how women are pressured to be something they’re not, and this film depicts a worst-case scenario eventuality I do not want to have arrived at on my 41st birthday.

A highly recommended watch.