I Need You!

Well butter me up and call me a biscuit, it’s been a whole freaking year since I started old bloggy here.

Seeing as I’ve been providing you all with such hilarious and thought provoking content once a week(ish) for a full 12 months, I wanted to know – Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

So the comment section on this post (and all other posts) is anonymous. You don’t have to be a member of WordPress to comment, so please feel free to ask whatever your heart desires.  If you don’t mind letting me know your name, you can also get in touch via various social media platforms (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter).

This could be a complete flop and/or total nightmare, but I mean it when I say; Ask me anything.  Dirty, clean, embarrassing, controversial, political, ethical, stupid, intellectual… Other various adjectives – I will answer them.

Next week’s blog is up to you.

Things That Need to Leave.

Avocados need to leave.  Stop being pretentious, creamy, disgusting mush.  You’re not a substitute for butter, you’re not good with eggs, you feel weird in my mouth, you’re only ever over or under ripe, and you have to go.

Zoos need to leave.  Ever went to a zoo as an adult and felt happy?  Maybe it’s because I’ve been researching veganism (and they’re all pretty mental), but lately, I can’t ever imagine why I ever enjoyed a zoo.  If people think animals don’t have emotions, go to a zoo.  These are creatures in environments that they were never supposed to be in.  And for those who say – ‘They don’t know any better’ – Maybe they don’t, but why does that matter? Zoos need to leave.

Ghosts need to leave.  They need to leave reality.  Ghosts don’t exist.  They exist in movies, but in real life, ghosts are born from over active imaginations and tricks of the eye.  A ghost is not going to visit me and tell me I’m wrong about this.  Buildings are not haunted, the dead don’t leave their spirit behind, a Physic can’t tell your future and angels aren’t watching you.

Donald Trump needs to leave.  That blonde-haired, racist, homophobic, chauvinistic, idiotic, money grabbing, small minded pig of a man not only needs to leave, he needs to get the fuck out.  I’m not interested in his politics or policies, or his self-absorbed idea to “make America great again”, he is a backwards thinking piece of shit that needs to pack up his things and leave.

Money needs to leave.  Money is like the person who comes into your house and doesn’t take off their coat or sit down because they don’t wanna stay too long.  I’ve had enough of it.  I either have loads of it for a second, or none of it for a year, and either way I’m not happy.  The past year I have spent struggling to make it to the end of the month, constantly having to borrow off my fiancé (hehehe that’s the first time I’ve referred to him as fiancé) or my parents, and it makes me feel really scummy.  Yes, I could be better at spending but I really love make-up, drinking and food. Money needs to come in and sit down and leave when I tell  it to.

Decisions need to leave.  I am officially the worst person ever at making a decision.  How am I going to go about planning a wedding?  I’m so afraid of offending someone or someone disagreeing with me, that I’d rather just not try at all.  The one decision I’ve made about the wedding so far?  I’m definitely marrying Gareth.  And there will be no avocados served, no animals exploited, no ghosts, no Donald Trump and no money spent.

 

Just kidding, there is going to be so much money spent.

 

 

Relationship Problems.

Whether or not you read my blogs regularly, if you know me, you’ll know I love my Boyfriend a lot.  It’s no secret that I  think he’s The One  (I definitely do not ask him once a month when he’s going to pop the question) because he’s my best friend and buys me crisps in the shop.

This being said, sometimes, I want to take a pointy knife and just stab him right in the gut over and over until he’s lying motionless on the floor in a pool of his own blood.

Honestly, these times are few and far between but some of the shit he does just drives me up the fucking wall.

For the purposes of research, I asked him to write something about me which annoyed him, but he didn’t get round to it so you snooze you lose, G.

I’m slightly embarrassed about this one, but it drives me mental when he goes out with his mates and doesn’t text me.  We have had so many arguments about this.  I never thought I would be the girlfriend who was obsessed about her partner’s whereabouts, but why can’t he just say; ‘Yo babe, heading to another pub.’  Or; ‘It’s gonna be a late one!  I’ll text when I’m home!’ Or even; ‘dsngrwiu94 hdrunknkk iloveuzxccc.’ But no.  Nothing.  This is especially worse when I’m in work and have nothing to do.  I know he’s not doing anything sinister – But he’s not thinking of me and that pisses me off.

Another thing which annoys the crap clean out of me is when he does housework.  It’s not him actually cleaning the house, but the way he does it.  I like the house being clean and I appreciate everything he does, but when he’s cleaning, he turns into Grumpy Cunt McGee.  He’ll say he isn’t, but his face says it all.  He’ll do the dishes really loudly, he’ll bang cupboards and doors.  He’ll whack the hoover or mop off the skir
ting.  It doesn’t make me want to help you Gareth, you’re clearly not having fun.

He can never remember where anything is.  Like.  Nothing.  He’ll swear till he’s blue in the face that I had something last, until I find it and he’s like “Oh yeah I did put it there…”

He farts and they SMELL SO BAD.  I know this is natural, and it shouldn’t make me mad, but I get so angry when he farts in bed.  Then wafts the blanket.  Normally in the morning I’ve just got off work so I’m having breakfast/dinner in bed beside him, and it ruins my food experience.

On the other side of the coin, imagine living with someone like me. I rarely do housework. I feel like I deserve a medal if I hoover.  In the two years of living with Gareth, I’ve mopped the floor twice.  I get home from work and throw my clothes on the floor.  I leave shoes wherever the fuck I desire. My makeup is all over the floor despite Gareth putting it in boxes. There’s bobby pins everywhere.  I stick my hair on the wall when I shower. I leave dishes everywhere – Even IN bed.  I don’t fold my clothes.  I don’t make the bed.  I don’t wipe the counters.  I don’t pick up dog shit outside.  I need constant attention.  I talk shit about myself. I don’t know how to put on the electric and always leave the heating on.

Despite all these things – and this overrides all the stuff that makes me angry – He’s the best person I’ve ever met and I know he loves me, even if I forget it sometimes.  I know he’s reading this so; Gar, I love you too.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, and he doesn’t let me squeeze his spots.

Friends Required: Apply Within

 

I have always been terrible at making friends.  When I first started school, I hated the other children so much that I insisted I stayed with Mrs Fegan, the cleaner.  She tactically convinced me into painting something one day, and when I turned my back she had sneaked away to get on with her duties.  I cried for the rest of the day.  I was shit at being a child.

Remember the Wendy house in the corner of the classroom that every school had?  I was extremely intimidated by other girls and the friendships they had so easily formed, so I didn’t step foot in the Wendy house till my Mum was late one day and all the other pupils had left.  My brother Harry played with me while my Mum and Mrs O’Connor talked. He stole a plastic onion and we laughed all the way home.

I did have friends eventually, but not until I was around 10.  These are happy memories, but I distinctly remember spending all or most of my time trying to impress them.  I was (and admittedly still am) extremely needy and over-protective, so if someone even indicated they were trying to steal my best friend, they were going down.  I’m not proud to say I was a bit of a bully in my final year of primary school.

The tables really turned in secondary school.  I learned the hard way that being a teenage girl is just the worst.  I had formed group of new ‘best friends’ who dumped me out of the blue one day because they just didn’t want me around anymore. Poof.  I was sitting there one day, offering up my gummy strawberries, and the next thing I know I’m at the back of the classroom alone and crying again.  It didn’t end there though, because they insisted on harassing me on MSN messenger and via text.  One girl in particular was relentless.  I’m not going to name names but lets’ call her Cunty McCunterson.  If anyone treated my sisters the way that she treated me, there is no doubt I would have the police involved. Can you tell I’m still bitter?  Yeah, I’m still bitter.

Fast forward a few years, to when I really was happy.  Truly happy.  I had friends that I loved and I thought I was set for life.  I still had issues with trust, but I finally felt like I could be myself. They meant more to me than my family.  In the end, I relied on them so much I took advantage of them and eventually they left me too. I blamed them for abandoning me, telling myself that if they had of loved me, they would have stayed.  I realise now that they actually gave me loads of chances to be a better friend, and I fucked each one up entirely.  I was never a bad person, I just made some really bad choices.

I told myself for a long time that I was better off alone.  I shut off from everyone and was drifting through life with the mantra that I didn’t care about anyone, and I eventually stopped caring about myself too.  Some people scraped the surface and made me feel like my old self (shout out to my sister, KD, KOH and JC) but in the end I knew I would let them down too.  So I shut them out as well.

*Cue violins* When I met Gareth, a part of me changed.  I wanted to do things differently. So I did. From the very beginning he meant something more to me, so I told him everything; what I had done and who I had let down, why I hated myself as a person and why I felt everyone hated me.  I told him I wanted to change and he believed me. For the first time in a long time he reminded me what it was like not to be so alone.

Being a newly reformed 24 year old is not ideal for making friends.  It’s not like school where you’re socially forced to talk to people.  The thought of voluntarily entering a communal situation like a yoga class or asking someone out on a girl-date is more horrifying than that first day of Primary School.  Truth is, I have no idea how to make friends any more. I wish it was as easy as messaging someone and saying “Hey you seem cool, wanna hang out?” But I’m nervous around girls.  I laugh at my own jokes and create awkward silences. I pretend to be cool and pretty when really; I haven’t showered in a week.  I run away from conversation but get jealous if you have other friends.  

 

The changes I’ve been trying to make this year have influenced this blog.  I need positive people around me.  Everyone is worthy of friends, and I need to stop being so scared of having them.

How to Win at Scrabble.

This is kind of a step away from my most recent posts.  It’s not actually a tutorial on how to win at Scrabble (sorry), however, it is something that is of great interest to me. Put simply; words.  Words that you didn’t know existed.

I’ve always loved reading.  One thing that I was always good at.  I remember the smug pride when I moved onto Key Stage 5 books in primary school (shout out to Biff, Chip, Floppy, Kipper, Wilf, Wilma, Mum and Dad).  My Mum has always read, and my Dad has always encouraged it, so I grew up with Rohal Dhal, Dick King Smith, R.L Stein, C.S Lewis, Tolkin, Peter V Brett, Patrick Rothfuss and my absolute hero JK Rowling.

Despite in the past having read up to 6 or 7 books per annum, within the last few years my reading pattern has dwindled.  This is partly down to not having too much on my mind and/or lack of concentration.  Mostly I blame technology *shakes fist*.  Sometimes I could spend an hour on Pinterest or YouTube rather than reading, but once I start a book, I’m always reminded how (for me) it is the ultimate escape.

Reading is the only time I’ll ever look up the meaning of a word.  If I see something in a book that I don’t know the definition of, I’ll look it up.  I really enjoy the feeling of knowing stuff, so in this blog, I’ve found some cool words that you might like to whip out in conversation in order to confuse everyone around you.

Philtrum – This is the little groove below your nose and above your upper lip.  How to use in conversation; “I stroke my philtrum when I’m thinking.”

Ferrule – The metal part on the bottom of a pencil. How to use; “My flipping ferrule flew off my pencil”

Mondegreen – A misheard lyric.  Eg, in Taylor Swift’s song ‘Blank Space’ I always thought the lyrics were “Got a list of Starbucks lovers” when it’s actually “Got a long list of ex-lovers”.  What a fucking mondegreen.

Tittle – This is the dot over an I or a J.  How cool is that?!

Bibble – Nothing to do with punctuation, it’s actually the noise you make when you’re a noisy eater.

Misophonia – The fear of specific noises.  Like cutting cardboard or eating Wotsits.

Trypophobia – The fear of irregular sized holes.  Google Image Search.  I might have this.

Zarf – This is the cardboard sleeve which protects your hand from searing hot take-away coffee.  How to use “If I can’t have a zarf can I at least have another cup?”

Frisson – The sudden feeling of excitement.  I used to always get this feeling before I went out.  It’s kinda like shivers, but some people also refer to it as having some one walk over their grave.  In future if you hear someone say this you can respond “No you dumb shit that was a frisson, duh.”

Glabella – The space between your eyebrows, just above your nose.  In a sentence; “I have a splitting pain behind my glabella”  HAHA!  No will know what you’re on about!

Dysania – I was shocked that this word isn’t used more often.  Dysania is the feeling you get in the morning when you are physically and emotionally struggling to get out of bed.

Jentacular – This comes after dysania.  It’s wanting breakfast as soon as you manage to get out of bed.

Wamble – Finally, this is the sound your stomach makes when it grumbles.  “Give me food, the wambles are getting out of hand.”  (Not sure if that’s correct use of the term)

Isn’t learning fun!?

To conclude, I just wanted to touch on what I’ve been harping on about in my previous bloggies – mindfulness and wellbeing. The reason I’ve started to read and learn a bit more is to aid my mental health.  I can’t stress enough how important it is to take time to do something for yourself, even if it is just learning the meaning of a new word.  A new word can start a conversation with a stranger, teach you something you may never have known and encourage you to go on and learn something else.

You have control over your kismet.  (Look it up)

Apps I Hate.

Google Maps.

I was going to leave this one till last because I abhor it the most, but I need to get it out of the way.  I mentioned in my last post that Boyfriend and I were house hunting.  There is no update on this, we are still looking. This is stressful, but not nearly as traumatic as using Google maps.

I’ve lived in Belfast for almost a year; I’m not wholly confident about knowing my way around but I could perhaps advise a lost tourist who speaks little English. I’ve never been the type of person to retain the knowledge of street names, so I prefer to use shops, bars, restaurants, libraries, or funny looking architecture to describe my location to others.  I realise this is not ideal for everyone, especially when they’re the ones who require the directions (“You want to get to the nearest Tescos?  Go down that second street and you’ll see a red shop, go left there till you get to the road with the pub on the corner then go right until you see the pointy blue thing and it’s just across the road next to the Chinese that does the nice chow mien.”)

So here’s how the app works (in case you didn’t know) – You type in an address and the lady in your phone takes you there.  It shows your route and tells you how long it will take either by car, walking, bike or bus.  Doesn’t it sound undemanding and valuable?  Well it’s not, because she doesn’t take you there.  The stupid e-fool takes you cross country, then back, and then she takes you there.  I recently had to use her getting to North Belfast, however, this turned out to be the most stressful journey of my life.  She started by telling me to get onto the main road; done. Five minutes after driving, take a Right; Done. Take two Lefts; Done. Only now doing it angrily, because I’m going the opposite direction to what she first told me to do. Ten minutes of driving, take a Right: Well this takes me back onto the main road you told me to get on to first… Take a Left; So still going in the same direction previously… Take a right; Back on the road I just got off, I really don’t trust you but I’ll keep listening because I don’t know where North Belfast is. Go across the bridge and take the third exit at the round-about; Back the way I came?  Bisch whaaa? That is literally back the way I came, and don’t tell me it wasn’t safe to turn because there were ample turning opportunities.  Forty minutes later and I arrive at the address she originally told me would take fifteen.

I appreciate the app can’t legally advise me to do anything hazardous, but what’s wrong with a U-Turn once in a while? I am the responsible one in the car, I am its master, do not worry about my safety, e-fool, just get me where I need to be quick quick.  Good thing I leave early for everything.

Safari

I don’t even know the real reason why I have an aversion to this app. I have always used Google Chrome – I find it easier to use and visually more satisfying.  There’s something about the Safari icon I really hate… And it’s so pointy… There are so many lines.  I hate that there’s a blank screen when you first open it. I hate looking down on all the pages like it’s an old-school filing cabinet. I hate that all the links in my emails take me there, so there’s a million pages to close down. Most of all I hate that the ‘back’ and ‘forward’ arrows are at the bottom – This goes against all previous computer training!

Turns out I know exactly why I don’t like this app.

Candy Crush

A lot of my Facebook friends will read this and think; “WHAT?  STUPID BITCH SENDS ME NOTIFICATIONS ALMOST EVERY DAY!”

Wanna know why?  Wanna know what years of tickets and lives has given me!?

It’s given me the curse of being on level 831.

I hate this app because ever since I downloaded it, I am addicted. It’s slow, garish and the music is tremendously irritating but I have a problem.  I’ve spent money on this app.  On principle, I will never make an in-app purchase but there was one time, on a bus, when I was exceptionally bored, I had had a five level streak and the winning felt so good… I paid 0.60p of my hard earned money in order to get to the next level.  I am ashamed, and have only ever shared that secret with other Candy Crush users, because they understand…

Topshop

I hate the Topshop app because of its arrogance. Click on and there’s a picture of a model looking at me like “Fuck you.”

I open it when I’m in desperate.  When I’ve looked at every other clothing app I own (love you, ASOS!), I turn to Topshop.  When I get there, I think; Is it the 70s now? Why is everything metallic or a turtle neck? Why is this white t-shirt £20?

Twitter

Do not get me wrong – I really enjoy Twitter – But I never ever use the app on my phone.  I will only ever scroll the newsfeed if I am on a computer.  I’m not sure why, but I think it’s a lot easier to navigate on a larger screen.

Photo Editing Apps

I recently did a clear out of my “Photography” folder on my phone, and guess how many photo editing apps there were? Nine. I deleted most of them, choosing to keep Instagram and face swap. Every time I go to the app store there’s a new editing app to download.  I love editing photos, but rarely use anything other than the iPhone camera itself or Instagram.  All the others are too fiddly. I had an app that could change your skin tone, hair colour, face shape, but what’s the point in all that?  I don’t want to be a different person; I just wanna look like I have a tan and no spots, thanksverymuch.

Minecraft

This is the final one, and to be perfectly honest, I’ve never played it in my life.  I downloaded it for my little sister back when I lived at home.  You think I had a problem with Candy Crush?  PFFFTT! There was once she faked sick and didn’t go to school because she knew I was off work and she could play it on my iPad (I’m talking about my youngest sister here obviously – not the 17 year old).  Every time I come home, after a hug I hear “Can I have your phone?” When I give it to her she’ll sit there for up to half a hour ‘building’ whatever it is, then she’ll run up to me (or whoever is there) and say  “Look what I made, isn’t it amazing?” and you have to say yes, but really, it looks shit.  It’s all brown and green blocks.  Why is this so popular?

I am, indisputably, addicted to the internet.  I think it is an amazing invention, and I honestly feel I am a more knowledgeable person for having access to it.  I positively take for granted how difficult it must be to create an app – I know I couldn’t do it.  When it comes down to it there’s only one thing that makes me really love an app – Simplicity. That’s of use and of design. If you app designers out there manage this, I’ll be a subscriber for life.