Mental Health, Why I Blog and John Cena.

Thanks to everyone who got in touch on last weeks post.  I expected to get more than three questions, but I guess I was being pretty big headed thinking more people would be interested in my life.  Awh well. There you are confidence – take another punch in the gut.

 If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

If you asked me this when I was aged anywhere between 15 and 20, I would have had a never ending list of physical things I wanted to change.  I wouldn’t be as tall, I’d be thinner, my hair would be longer, my boobs would be bigger, I would have a six pack.  And why?  I wanted to make girls jealous and boys horny.  Although I’m not yet completely at one with accepting my appearance, I realise, it doesn’t matter.  There will always be someone on this earth who finds you ugly.  But also someone who finds you beautiful.

What I would change is my mind.  I’d get rid of the crushing anxiety.  I wish I could be more positive and outgoing.  I wish I didn’t have an eating disorder and body dysmorphia.  I wish my mental health was better, I know then that without trying my physical health would improve too. I wish I was 100% happy and confident all the time – That way, I wouldn’t make bad choices or have this often overwhelming negative image of myself.

What led you to start a blog?

I thought this question would be the easiest to answer, but I’ve been sitting here staring at it for the past 15 minutes wondering where to start.  I began writing a year ago because I wanted to be a vlogger.  If you’re unfamiliar with this term, it’s basically filming your life and sharing it online.  However, I wasn’t ready to face the impending criticism that comes along with vlogging, so I started writing instead.

I wanted to write to vent, to share my story, to appeal to others, to inspire and to entertain.  I wanted people to tell me that everything was going to be OK, because sometimes, I am really not OK.  In turn, I wanted people to feel that their struggle is not their own.  No one’s life is perfect – Sometimes it’s not even good – But fuck it, we can float on together.

I have always adored writing, and honestly – It’s the one thing I think I’m good at.

If you could have a billboard anywhere, what would it say and where would it be?

Thanks to John Cena for sending in this question last week.  I guess the only thing I have to promote is this blog, so it’d probably be a pretty simplistic design advertising MollysBook.  And it would be in an episode of Family Guy or The Simpsons, because that’s the only place where I ever read billboards.

I Need You!

Well butter me up and call me a biscuit, it’s been a whole freaking year since I started old bloggy here.

Seeing as I’ve been providing you all with such hilarious and thought provoking content once a week(ish) for a full 12 months, I wanted to know – Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

So the comment section on this post (and all other posts) is anonymous. You don’t have to be a member of WordPress to comment, so please feel free to ask whatever your heart desires.  If you don’t mind letting me know your name, you can also get in touch via various social media platforms (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter).

This could be a complete flop and/or total nightmare, but I mean it when I say; Ask me anything.  Dirty, clean, embarrassing, controversial, political, ethical, stupid, intellectual… Other various adjectives – I will answer them.

Next week’s blog is up to you.

Things That Need to Leave.

Avocados need to leave.  Stop being pretentious, creamy, disgusting mush.  You’re not a substitute for butter, you’re not good with eggs, you feel weird in my mouth, you’re only ever over or under ripe, and you have to go.

Zoos need to leave.  Ever went to a zoo as an adult and felt happy?  Maybe it’s because I’ve been researching veganism (and they’re all pretty mental), but lately, I can’t ever imagine why I ever enjoyed a zoo.  If people think animals don’t have emotions, go to a zoo.  These are creatures in environments that they were never supposed to be in.  And for those who say – ‘They don’t know any better’ – Maybe they don’t, but why does that matter? Zoos need to leave.

Ghosts need to leave.  They need to leave reality.  Ghosts don’t exist.  They exist in movies, but in real life, ghosts are born from over active imaginations and tricks of the eye.  A ghost is not going to visit me and tell me I’m wrong about this.  Buildings are not haunted, the dead don’t leave their spirit behind, a Physic can’t tell your future and angels aren’t watching you.

Donald Trump needs to leave.  That blonde-haired, racist, homophobic, chauvinistic, idiotic, money grabbing, small minded pig of a man not only needs to leave, he needs to get the fuck out.  I’m not interested in his politics or policies, or his self-absorbed idea to “make America great again”, he is a backwards thinking piece of shit that needs to pack up his things and leave.

Money needs to leave.  Money is like the person who comes into your house and doesn’t take off their coat or sit down because they don’t wanna stay too long.  I’ve had enough of it.  I either have loads of it for a second, or none of it for a year, and either way I’m not happy.  The past year I have spent struggling to make it to the end of the month, constantly having to borrow off my fiancé (hehehe that’s the first time I’ve referred to him as fiancé) or my parents, and it makes me feel really scummy.  Yes, I could be better at spending but I really love make-up, drinking and food. Money needs to come in and sit down and leave when I tell  it to.

Decisions need to leave.  I am officially the worst person ever at making a decision.  How am I going to go about planning a wedding?  I’m so afraid of offending someone or someone disagreeing with me, that I’d rather just not try at all.  The one decision I’ve made about the wedding so far?  I’m definitely marrying Gareth.  And there will be no avocados served, no animals exploited, no ghosts, no Donald Trump and no money spent.

 

Just kidding, there is going to be so much money spent.

 

 

Life Update: Moving Forwards

There hasn’t been any earth shattering changes since I wrote ‘Fresh Starts‘ or ‘Friends Required‘  but it would be untrue to say that these posts haven’t slightly changed things my life.

When I wrote Fresh Starts I  was emerging from a pretty bad place. I spoke about mindfulness and being grateful for what I have.  This didn’t come easy to me, and still doesn’t, but I find myself caring a lot less about material things.  In the last few months of 2015, I became more and more obsessed with things I couldn’t have. We couldn’t afford a new apartment, I couldn’t afford nice beauty products, to paint the house or buy new clothes.  It drove me insane. Everyone around me seemed to have it all.  When I finally came to realise that that doesn’t matter, I saw everything clearer.  These material things will come eventually, and even if they don’t, I’m beginning to learn that there are better feelings than that of possession.

The feedback on both blogs was extremely positive.  I had almost given up writing in December and am so truly glad now that I endured.  It’s worth it on a night out when someone from your past says “Oh my God, I love your blog” or “I read it all the time”. Only if it’s one person, I still think; “Someone actually reads what I have to say!” I’ve never felt pride when I bought a new foundation.  I’ve never been satisfied because I bought a new dress three days ago.  I have, however, felt these things because I chose to write.

Friends Required had more of an impact.  The strangest thing is, I almost wasn’t going to
publish this because I thought it came across that I wanted to be pitied.  I want
to thank the people who got in touch because they felt the same way.  It took a lot of balls to tell someone you don’t really know that you’re not entirely happy with your life.  Again, this feeling of acceptance and shared emotion is far superior to any new lipstick.  People should reach out and be unafraid, because those that reached out to me changed my life a little bit more.

I met up with an old friend a few weeks back, and I was so nervous before I was desperately looking for an excuse to cancel. I was getting irrationally irritated at myself for making plans, saying I wished I had had a ‘bed day’ instead, because I hadn’t had one in a while.  I almost didn’t answer the door when he finally arrived. I’m pleased to say that once we hung out for about 5 minutes it was as if nothing had changed.  We talked about the past and things we used to think were funny (still hilarious), we talked about new things and how being a grown-up is surreal.  It was the same, but different. When he left, I felt as though I had achieved an award.

I’m still totally terrified when it comes to meeting new people, but at least now I’m excited about it.  I want to go out and see a movie with a friend, because I want that confidence again. There’s always going to be an initial awkward moment but after you move past it, it’s nothing more than mutual interests and shared experiences.

This being said, I haven’t transformed into this totally different person. I still have days where I feel like scum, but these are less now. I’m not the confident, forgiving, inspirational person I would like to be, but I think I’m getting there.

How to Win at Scrabble.

This is kind of a step away from my most recent posts.  It’s not actually a tutorial on how to win at Scrabble (sorry), however, it is something that is of great interest to me. Put simply; words.  Words that you didn’t know existed.

I’ve always loved reading.  One thing that I was always good at.  I remember the smug pride when I moved onto Key Stage 5 books in primary school (shout out to Biff, Chip, Floppy, Kipper, Wilf, Wilma, Mum and Dad).  My Mum has always read, and my Dad has always encouraged it, so I grew up with Rohal Dhal, Dick King Smith, R.L Stein, C.S Lewis, Tolkin, Peter V Brett, Patrick Rothfuss and my absolute hero JK Rowling.

Despite in the past having read up to 6 or 7 books per annum, within the last few years my reading pattern has dwindled.  This is partly down to not having too much on my mind and/or lack of concentration.  Mostly I blame technology *shakes fist*.  Sometimes I could spend an hour on Pinterest or YouTube rather than reading, but once I start a book, I’m always reminded how (for me) it is the ultimate escape.

Reading is the only time I’ll ever look up the meaning of a word.  If I see something in a book that I don’t know the definition of, I’ll look it up.  I really enjoy the feeling of knowing stuff, so in this blog, I’ve found some cool words that you might like to whip out in conversation in order to confuse everyone around you.

Philtrum – This is the little groove below your nose and above your upper lip.  How to use in conversation; “I stroke my philtrum when I’m thinking.”

Ferrule – The metal part on the bottom of a pencil. How to use; “My flipping ferrule flew off my pencil”

Mondegreen – A misheard lyric.  Eg, in Taylor Swift’s song ‘Blank Space’ I always thought the lyrics were “Got a list of Starbucks lovers” when it’s actually “Got a long list of ex-lovers”.  What a fucking mondegreen.

Tittle – This is the dot over an I or a J.  How cool is that?!

Bibble – Nothing to do with punctuation, it’s actually the noise you make when you’re a noisy eater.

Misophonia – The fear of specific noises.  Like cutting cardboard or eating Wotsits.

Trypophobia – The fear of irregular sized holes.  Google Image Search.  I might have this.

Zarf – This is the cardboard sleeve which protects your hand from searing hot take-away coffee.  How to use “If I can’t have a zarf can I at least have another cup?”

Frisson – The sudden feeling of excitement.  I used to always get this feeling before I went out.  It’s kinda like shivers, but some people also refer to it as having some one walk over their grave.  In future if you hear someone say this you can respond “No you dumb shit that was a frisson, duh.”

Glabella – The space between your eyebrows, just above your nose.  In a sentence; “I have a splitting pain behind my glabella”  HAHA!  No will know what you’re on about!

Dysania – I was shocked that this word isn’t used more often.  Dysania is the feeling you get in the morning when you are physically and emotionally struggling to get out of bed.

Jentacular – This comes after dysania.  It’s wanting breakfast as soon as you manage to get out of bed.

Wamble – Finally, this is the sound your stomach makes when it grumbles.  “Give me food, the wambles are getting out of hand.”  (Not sure if that’s correct use of the term)

Isn’t learning fun!?

To conclude, I just wanted to touch on what I’ve been harping on about in my previous bloggies – mindfulness and wellbeing. The reason I’ve started to read and learn a bit more is to aid my mental health.  I can’t stress enough how important it is to take time to do something for yourself, even if it is just learning the meaning of a new word.  A new word can start a conversation with a stranger, teach you something you may never have known and encourage you to go on and learn something else.

You have control over your kismet.  (Look it up)

Have you heard about this great site?

Today I wanted to write a little bit about a recent obsession (for want of a better word).  I might be a little late to the party, but I finally get it.  I finally understand, and I fully empathize with people’s fixation to YouTube.

I did mention last week that I was on a bit of a YouTube binge and although I did exaggerate slightly about the hours I put in, but I do feel that this week I have probably surpassed that particular time of 303,375 hours. A lot of the stuff I have watched has been total crap.  

There was crap that you couldn’t help but watch, e.g. food challenges – Have you ever watched someone eat 15 Happy Meals in under 5 minutes?  What about a video of someone trying to eat 20,000 KCAL a day… For the hell of it.  Ever see three middle aged men trying to eat 300 chicken nuggets?  I have.  I’ve seen it.

There’s crap that made me really angry – FreeLee the Banana girl and her boyfriend, they’re pretty much orthorexic and both force Vegan views down the throat of all viewers, insisting fat people are lazy and should be shamed into changing their lifestyle.  I found the amount of followers she has to be pretty disturbing given the message she’s promoting.  I’m all for health and fitness, but her personality reeks of a deceiving, negative manner.

There was also truly great crap, like the Japanese channel called “Cooking With Dog” – BUT WAIT! No dogs have been harmed, cooked, or eaten! Basically, it’s an adorable dog called Francis, sitting beside its owner who is simply labelled as ‘Chef’.  Despite not actually doing anything, Francis the Dog and his channel has 996,080 subscribers and an astonishing 119,995,509 views.  The food is Japanese, but simple, easy and looks insanely tasty. There’s something so strangely calming about the way the narrator says “Welcome toooo cooooking with doug” in an happy Asian accent.

In the past, I always used YouTube for tutorials, I do have some favourites, but I want to acknowledge ‘Yoga with Adrian’.  She’s a girl from Texas, whom I think is pretty inspiring.  I’ve done the intense workouts as per instructed by several fitness nuts, but I hate these, despite feeling pretty good afterwards.  Adrian encourages viewers to fully enjoy the practice, no matter what your current fitness level.  Her mantra is ‘find what feels good’, there is never any pressure to keep up with her, or make your workout super intense.  The great news is, however, about an hour after finishing a routine with her, you feel like you just ran a couple of miles.  I followed her “30 Days of Yoga” challenge, which was a mixture of what I would call hard days and easy days. You don’t feel coerced into working out every day, because she welcomes you back so politely. I never felt ashamed for having two bottles of wine at the weekend and skipping the tutorial for a few days.  She has a beautiful voice and persona, a naturally engaging human being; I sincerely look forward to discovering her videos. 

The next little YouTube niche I wanted to mention gets a bit complicated, feel free to skip reading. You will probably understand best if you do watch these videos, but I will attempt to explain to those of you who aren’t familiar with what I would call professional YouTubers.

I’m going to keep this as brief as possible.  I’ll start with, probably the most familiar to the general public; Pixiwoo – Two sisters, both make-up artists, have made thousands of pounds with their tutorials, which lead to thousands more when they launched their own make-up product range (which I use and are amazing). They are close friends with (I’m personally, not a big fan of) Tanya Burr – Also a make-up artists who has her own videos, but also happens to be engaged to Pixiwoos’ brother, Sam Chapman.  

Sam and Tanya are friends with a number of other YouTubers, one of my favourites being Zoella, or Zoe Sugg.  She does a bit of everything, blogging, vlogging, clothing and make-up hauls etc.  I love pretty much all of her content.  Through the popularity of her videos, she has one published bestselling book and has a second on the way which I am sure will do equally well. Last year she was a contestant on Comic Relief ‘s The Great British Bake Off on BBC One alongside Jonathan Ross, Alexa Chung, David Mitchell and Abbey Clancy to name a few.  I think this emphasises her current celebrity status and the power of the internet.

 Similarly, with two books off the back of his own YouTube channel, is her boyfriend Alfie Deyes, aka Pointless Blog. He recently did a tour of America, and is pretty much the Harry Styles of blogging.  I do see why people like him, but he does rant a bit, and I find myself just following him because there’s potential to see more of what Zoe is up to… They are a great couple, and just to put into perspective how famous they are becoming – they are both currently being made into wax figures in Madame Tussaud’s. 

Still with me? Good.  So Zoella’s brother, Joe, is also a YouTuber with his own massive following.  His videos are hilarious, and he has a similar branch of complicated YouTube friendships which (you’ll be glad to read) I don’t want to get into because I’m not that familiar with.  I’ve seen some featured in videos but have yet to check out their personal content. These include – Tyler Oakley (slowly finding out he is bigger than I thought), Caspar Lee (who lives with Joe), Oli White, Louise aka sprinkleofglitter (also happens to be Zoe’s best friend) and American, Miranda Sings aka Colleen Ballinger aka PsychoSoprano who is hilarious.

The YouTube celebrity phenomenon is worldwide, and I have a few to mention from across the pond.  Bunny aka, grav3yardgirl, is probably my most surprising favourite.  She’s the kind of person in school who is nothing but a total weirdo -the one in school with Christmas decorations in her hair even though it’s August. Despite this, out of all the channels I’ve subscribed to, I feel like she is my friend.  No, we have never spoken or communicated in any way, but she has a endearing quality that is so unique I can’t help but adore her.  I’ll put it out there, shes really damn ugly in all of her photos, but as you get to know her, you stop seeing this and get to appreciate how little looks matter.  She admits she has “pony face” and doesn’t give much care to physical appearance, but she is enthusiastic and positive about everything, and I love her.  She also has a range of “Swamp Family” merch which I am sure she has made a tidy profit on.

I also want to mention Jenna Marbles.  Her videos are hilarious, but her content is exclusively aimed at girls her age.  She has been around a long time, her videos are consistent, relatable and always entertaining.  She does swear an awful lot.  Not that I’m offended by it, but it stands out starkly, especially after watching tons of Zoella’s content.

Basically, they all know each other and form this enormous ball of talent and humour.  I’m ashamed to say there was a period where I was intensely jealous of these people, to the point of being sad.  They have made collective millions just by electronically documenting their lives and opinions.  I could do that.  I should do that.  Why aren’t I doing that? However, the more I thought about it and the more I watched, I came to realise the immense effort that goes into these videos, not to mention the confidence you have to have.  Being a professional YouTuber and doing it well is a full time job.  I also was extremely relieved when I realized 10-20 minutes of someone’s day in a video DOES NOT capture their lives.  The same way Instagram, Facebook and ALL other social media outlets only shows what a person has chosen to provide.  Highlights.  Although, what would be the point in blogging about going to Tesco and having an argument beside the pasta with your boyfriend about what’s for dinner. 

YouTube highlights how false people are.  There are videos on how to take and edit a selfie.  How to wash your face.  Do your hair. What to eat, and countless weight-loss and dieting content.  I try to stay away from this but every so often I find myself clicking something like ‘How I Lost 10 lbs in 3 Days’ or one of FreeLee’s unethical videos on the vegan lifestyle.  ‘Thinspiration’ was extremely detrimental to my teenage mental health, and it breaks my heart to realise that someone like my sisters might be influenced by it. 

If you do stay away from this content, you are in for hours of viewing.   I advise you don’t get too caught up in the supposed reality of it all, there’s pretty motivational videos from people like Kandee Johnson, who emphasizes the importance positive thinking with regards to what you have achieved in life. Not all of it will be deemed fun; there will be times when you’re half way through a video and you say “…This is real crap” but believe me, there are plenty more to choose from on the right hand side.