I Need You!

Well butter me up and call me a biscuit, it’s been a whole freaking year since I started old bloggy here.

Seeing as I’ve been providing you all with such hilarious and thought provoking content once a week(ish) for a full 12 months, I wanted to know – Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

So the comment section on this post (and all other posts) is anonymous. You don’t have to be a member of WordPress to comment, so please feel free to ask whatever your heart desires.  If you don’t mind letting me know your name, you can also get in touch via various social media platforms (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter).

This could be a complete flop and/or total nightmare, but I mean it when I say; Ask me anything.  Dirty, clean, embarrassing, controversial, political, ethical, stupid, intellectual… Other various adjectives – I will answer them.

Next week’s blog is up to you.

Barney’s Story Time: Mumi’s Adventur

Lst week mumi came home frm work nice and early nd I said hello hello hello plz pet me hello hello hello oh god hello.  then I was rely rely bored so i decided to bark nd bark and bark and wine nd wine and wine till she let me come in bed nd get under the big fluffy sleepy warm thing and I had a snooze nd it was nice.

Heres me bein cute bfor walk

Mumi made food for her face hole and but none for mine.  she says I’m greddy but she is. she always eatin eatin eatin food and gives none to me evn thouh i know she not evn hungry, she just a piggy.  I see it go in her face hole, where does it go?  smells so gud, i’m hungry.  So after tht I wasn’t gonna snooze for her no more and be a good boy cuz why not, i wanna go outside.

Mumi always takes years to leav the human kennel  she has skin but puts on other layers like coat, hat, sock, shoes that I’m not allowed to eat so i just bite them and chew them and ok i do eat them sometimes sorri.

i got too excited when mumi got the lead because then i knew we were definately going to the magical place wer i can run run run and pee pee pee and poo.  i ran away frm her and she shouted so i decided to let her put the lead on my necklace evn though it choke me i dont care WE’RE GOIN TO THE PARK.

we got to the park and hooray I’M FREE so i run away and smell all the things i can see and I make sure those other dogs know this is my park.  the trick is to pee on everything.  even if you have no pee left in your willy, just lift ur leg and pretend, the other animals will think youve done a pee and will know the park is urs.

mumi was talkin into that little black thing that her and daddi have nd always look at, so i decided to run away and hide.  i could hear mumi shouting my name but i didn’t mind because there was still plenty of things to smell and pee on.  when mumi found me after 1 whole hour, she smacked my bum then picked me up and squished me and kissed me on the head and called me a bold boy but then said i was a good boy, so i was happi and she was too maybe.

we walked back to the human kennel when mumi said, oh fuck where are my keys, and we had to go around to the back where the adventur is.   there’s loads and loads of rubish at the back because the men who make banging noise at 8am always throw tiles and bricks and pallets and stuff over the wall becuz they r too lazy to hire a skip.  mumi tried to kick in the red door to our house and she looked sososososo mad.  then she tied my rope to a big hunk of wood and stacked up some rubish and wowwowwow climed up the wall and disapeared over into our yard where i poo!!!

the red door opened and i went into my house, but then i did a little sneak wen mumi was washin the blood off her cut hand, so i ran back outside and more adventur for me, see ya later mumi byeee!

more hrs later after mumi was shoutin shoutin shoutin i decided to come home and mumi was sad but she quished me and kissed me again and we watched tv and i ate a bone and humped a cushon and it was a nice day.

Things to do to Feel Less Blue.

January.  Ugh.

Ughhhh.

It’s cold.  It’s not Christmassy. I have £10 cash and £7.26 in M&S vouchers to my name. I didn’t win the lottery last week and to top it all off, every advert on the TV is for a holiday destination.

I know if you’re reading this, there’s an extremely high chance that you’re in a similar position.  Alas, don’t worry, I’m here to save you from the cesspool of depression.

In my last blog, I talked about not making New Year resolutions.  This has been really effective in maintaining my peace of mind. There’s no goals to achieve, meaning no pressure to be something I’m not. I have started to change my daily routine ever-so slightly, in order to trick myself into positive thinking.  Sneaky wee me!

The number one thing that I’ve changed is that when I wake up, after I eat breakfast, I do 30-50 minutes of yoga.  Before you roll your eyes and close the page, let me just say that I am not a spiritual person.  I did not start yoga for inner peace or freedom of the soul.  I started it because I was too lazy to do what I thought was ‘real exercise’.  I figured it would be much easier to lay on a mat breathing, than going out for a run.  Plus then I could say I had a hobby.  And yoga seemed like the cool thing to do, as I had heard some Victoria Secret models do it.

However I have found yoga to be one of the most fulfilling exercises ever.  It’s not as easy as it looks, and I’ve found it really helps in distracting me from everyday worries.  It’s hard to think about money problems when you have one foot wrapped around another, with your arms stretched out, while you’re squatting, trying to maintain a consistent inhale exhale pattern.  This is now my third time mentioning her, but I cannot recommend my Texan friend Adriene enough; http://www.youtube.com/user/yogawithadriene

Next, if you’re like me, your amount of time of Facebook has an embarrassingly high average.  I don’t have the most active online persona (in that I don’t update very often), but I do like to know what other people are up to. Stalking is a strong word, but I’m likely to know if you’ve done anything exciting in the last week.

What I’ve started to do I have labelled a ‘Facebook Cleanse’.  I went through a period of watching RuPaul’s Drag Race, and surfed about FB ‘liking’ my favourite Drag Queens.  After about 18 months of following them, and no longer watching the programme, I’ve found their updates to be something that I skim over when scrolling down my feed.  After removing the majority, I started to look at other contacts I didn’t really follow.  If I genuinely didn’t care what they posted, I removed them.  It wasn’t one of those brutal cleanses where I was like; “If I haven’t spoken to them this week, I’m removing them and that’s that.” Honestly, I follow people because I like to know what they’re up to. There’s nothing disingenuous about this, I just like to see where they go, what they wear, how they’ve done their make up, and what’s up with their pets – even if I’ve never had a (sober) conversation with them.

Another thing I’ve been trying to do is ‘Dry January’ wherein I’m supposed to be abstaining from alcoholic beverages.  This has been easy, given that on Christmas Eve (not New Years day), I had a hangover so bad I thought I would have to go to A&E. I didn’t eat for two days and my throat felt like I had been deep-throating razor blades. It’s also relatively undemanding because I don’t have the disposable income for a bottle of wine on a Friday and/or Saturday night. Anyway, I feel pretty superior, and no drinking means no hangover and therefore no cravings for lasagne sandwiches with chips and coleslaw with a side of cheese.

For me, Netflix and chill is one of the chief ways to spend time.  I’m not going to propose you watch ‘Making a Murderer’- I feel that everyone and their aunt has watched it, but if you need a movie with a similar ominous tone, I would totally suggest watching ‘Jonestown’, a docu-movie about Jim Jones and his cult; The People’s Temple. If you need something that steps away from the psychological thriller dramatics, I would go for ‘F is for Family’, ‘BoJack Horseman’ (it has Aaron Paul!) or ‘Wet Hot American Summer’.  All the lols.

Lastly, and swiftly, I prescribe that you get dressed up for no reason, dance around your house, keep small change in your pocket for the homeless, find a healthy new snack (Tesco salt&vinegar rice cakes), binge watch TV, take the stairs, say yes to new situations (stay safe), and finally, to mirror the words of dear old departed Bowie, stay positive, because humans don’t “respond well to entrenched negative thinking.”

Fresh Starts.

I was very tempted to write this at the beginning of the year, but when I came to it, I couldn’t bring myself to add to the extensive amount of “New Year, new me” posts.  Why?  Because they’re all bullshit and make me feel like crap.

Not that an individual’s intentions aren’t there, because I know what it’s like to believe that you can change overnight, but the reality is, you can’t. I promise myself every New Year’s Eve that it’s the last negative thought, last lazy day, that I’ll go to the gym and eat a balanced diet.  This year, I chose not to promise myself to change! Freedom!

Instead, earlier today, almost a full week into the New Year, I told myself that I would first of all accept myself, then work on the things I want to change.  I had some good news in the past few days, mainly that I’m finally getting the opportunity to talk to a qualified counsellor about how I’ve been feeling recently and problems I’ve had in the past.  I feel uncharacteristically positive about it, as if things actually might begin to change.

So this year (the last 12 hours really) I’ve decided to focus on positive thinking.  I know, it sounds horribly familiar, but part of the problem I faced was having a mantra telling myself that I wasn’t good enough. I would beat myself up for days because my blog got 15 views, or that I downloaded Kayla Itsines app and hadn’t opened it yet.  At one point last month I cried because I couldn’t stop snacking. I understand that not going to be a global superstar award winning blogger, or one of the female machines that is part of the BBG revolution.  I accept this.  Now move on Molly, you’re a 24 year old woman, get over yourself – rapido rapido.

Things I’m looking forward to this year;

Saying “Yes” to more stuff.  Ever seen ‘Yes Man’ (Jim Carey)?  Great movie.  I don’t mean saying yes to class A drugs or taking part in a porno, but smaller things like going for a walk with Boyfriend and Barney, or making plans and actually keeping them.  I’ve started Yoga Camp with Adriene (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4iSb1bDQq8) which I found really beneficial in the past.

Changing my attitude towards other people.  I will say “good for you” and mean it.  If I don’t mean it, I won’t say it.  I’ll just stare at you blankly or mention the weather.  I will compliment people on their make-up and not be resentful my face doesn’t look the same.  I will look at slim, toned people and think “Wow! They must have worked really hard!  Someday I might do that too!”

I’m going to avoid people who make me feel inadequate.  Number one being Zoella and similar Youtubers.  I know that’s enormously childish, but the truth is, I am extremely jealous of her and her life. So I’m unsubscribing from her channel, at least until I get a little better at this ‘accepting myself’ business.

Growing my hair – Eh, no, this isn’t really to do with optimistic thinking (“GROW HAIR I BELIEVE IN YOU”) but I’m looking forward to actually being able to create ‘beach waves’ rather than ‘rats tails’ this summer.  Surprise Bonus Beauty Hack! – about 6 months ago I stopped using conditioner, as advised by my sister, and my hair has never grown so quickly or been so soft.

I’ve also set myself the utterly hilarious task of writing a book!  About what?  Dunno. I have literally no other ideas separate from – “Why don’t you try and write a book?”

I want to put a lot more of myself into this blog, there’s a lot of things I’ve always been scared to write about.  So, fair warning, expect a lot more of me trying to be funny and talking about myself.

Happy New Year.

Fear.

“We fear violence less than our own feelings. Personal, private, solitary pain is more terrifying than what anyone else can inflict.” – Jim Morrison

I regard myself as an emotional person, but today, I have found it difficult to go about addressing what I’d like to write.  I recently told Boyfriend that I wanted to start a 90 day challenge, the purpose of which to go about my day with a contrary outlook – To be more organised, more positive, to exercise, be mindful of myself in order to make choices that benefit me and those around me.  I realized long ago that this is the way I should be living my life, I hoped if I could practice this successfully for 90 days, I would be encouraged to extend the challenge and push myself to do greater things.

I failed on the second day.  I read that in order to make changes you had to start small.  I set myself two goals for Day One; 30 mins of exercise and to clean our bedroom.  Check and check!  I walked Barney then did a huge overhaul of my things – Clothes, shoes, bags, old bed covers – Anything that I held in my hands and wasn’t absolutely positive I wanted to keep.  I’m an excessively sentimental person and keep hold of pretty much everything.  However, this time I was brutal.  Dress I wore once that my mum gave me after a fight? Charity bag.  T-Shirts from Primark I kept just to wear to bed? – Charity bag. Scraggly old skirt I bought in a sale three summers ago and never wore? Charity bag. All in all, two bin sacks of clothes, four pairs of shoes and a few handbags. I hoovered under the bed and found places for everything; anything that didn’t have a place, didn’t have a purpose.

I was really proud of myself.  Boyfriend was proud too.  I felt great. Motivated.  The air felt cleaner.  These tasks were simple and productive, I genuinely felt like the 90 days was going to be a breeze.

The second day was a Saturday.  We had had a few drinks the night before and, well honestly I was hungover.  Ever tried to be motivated with a hangover?  It’s not ideal.  I spent most of the day in bed, either asleep or watching Pretty Little Liars on my iPad.  This I didn’t really regret – I love bed – But when Boyfriend left to go to a leaving party, I started to feel down.  I reflected on my day and it felt wasted. The more I thought about it the worse I felt.  I couldn’t even go two days in a row being a better person.  Barney hadn’t been walked, so I  just about forced myself to get up, put on jogging bottoms (didn’t change my bed t-shirt) and take him outside. He dragged me down the street and I dragged him home, after being out for about 15 minutes.  I felt worse when I came back.  I should have went with Boyfriend. I should have got up earlier.  Should have got dressed.  Made a meal instead of snacking all day. Should have taken Barney out till he was so tired he was the one looking forward to going home. Should have done the washing.  Should have tidied the kitchen.  Should have hung up the laundry. Should stop feeling so sorry for myself.

Depression is a bad thing, but you can’t argue it’s not a great word.  It sounds like something sinking, or being overwhelmed and suffocated.  That’s how it feels too.

The reason I failed on the second day is because I let this feeling get the better of me.  I indulged in it. It’s a lot easier to give up than to try, especially when you’re on your own.  If depression was a person he would say “You don’t deserve me.”  How dare I call myself depressed when there’s so many people who have it worse off than me? What right do I have to be unhappy? How can I, who has everything I need and want, possibly feel so low I can’t even take my dog for a walk?

Then the guilt sets in, and guilt is depressions most loyal friend.

The truth is I’ve been struggling with this cycle for a number of years.  The guilt, the depression.  It scares me.  Terrifies me.  It can come at anytime, and it effects everyone around me.  There’s no rock bottom, but a number of them more embarrassing than the last.  I pushed away the people who meant the most to me, because it was easier to give up than to try and explain.  How do you tell someone you haven’t kept in contact because you’re sad?  How do you explain that you’re angry at them, even though they’ve done nothing wrong? How can the actions I’ve taken and the pain I’ve caused be down to a chemical imbalance in my brain?

I’ve read a lot on the subject of depression and mental health disorders.  I’m no expert, but I know that 1 in 4 people will suffer a mental health problem. I’ve noticed a rise in media sources encouraging others to shake off the stigma of depression and get help.  Tell someone, do something.  Shake off the fear and take the first step.

Yes, you will ALWAYS get the person who tells you to “Just cheer up”, or the doctor who looks at you with a blank face and says “Well do you have any hobbies to keep you busy?”  No you ass-clown, I don’t enjoy them anymore, I’m fucking depressed.

I’ve had this conversation with a doctor (didn’t call her an ass-clown) and it was difficult.  I don’t think she understood, but it’s not really her job to.  I’m sure in that moment she would have rather looked at an ingrown toenail than my tear-stained, pleading face.  But she knew who could help, and referred me on to another team.  This is the 5th time I’ve been referred to a counselling service.

The reason I’m being so honest is because this time, I feel it might work.  The little rays of sunshine in my life get stronger every day, and I’ve realized that all pain is temporary.  I picture those who still have hope for me, because if I dwell too much on the people I have let down, there’s no escaping depression.  I fear the feeling of failure, but even if I don’t manage to do 90 ‘good’ days in a row, why shouldn’t it be an accomplishment to do one day? One day will bleed into the next, and the next.  If I slip up I start again.  I could look back on a month and see I had 15 good days out of 30. That’s half my time spent being the person I want to be.  That’s reason in itself to try harder in the new month.