Mental Health, Why I Blog and John Cena.

Thanks to everyone who got in touch on last weeks post.  I expected to get more than three questions, but I guess I was being pretty big headed thinking more people would be interested in my life.  Awh well. There you are confidence – take another punch in the gut.

 If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

If you asked me this when I was aged anywhere between 15 and 20, I would have had a never ending list of physical things I wanted to change.  I wouldn’t be as tall, I’d be thinner, my hair would be longer, my boobs would be bigger, I would have a six pack.  And why?  I wanted to make girls jealous and boys horny.  Although I’m not yet completely at one with accepting my appearance, I realise, it doesn’t matter.  There will always be someone on this earth who finds you ugly.  But also someone who finds you beautiful.

What I would change is my mind.  I’d get rid of the crushing anxiety.  I wish I could be more positive and outgoing.  I wish I didn’t have an eating disorder and body dysmorphia.  I wish my mental health was better, I know then that without trying my physical health would improve too. I wish I was 100% happy and confident all the time – That way, I wouldn’t make bad choices or have this often overwhelming negative image of myself.

What led you to start a blog?

I thought this question would be the easiest to answer, but I’ve been sitting here staring at it for the past 15 minutes wondering where to start.  I began writing a year ago because I wanted to be a vlogger.  If you’re unfamiliar with this term, it’s basically filming your life and sharing it online.  However, I wasn’t ready to face the impending criticism that comes along with vlogging, so I started writing instead.

I wanted to write to vent, to share my story, to appeal to others, to inspire and to entertain.  I wanted people to tell me that everything was going to be OK, because sometimes, I am really not OK.  In turn, I wanted people to feel that their struggle is not their own.  No one’s life is perfect – Sometimes it’s not even good – But fuck it, we can float on together.

I have always adored writing, and honestly – It’s the one thing I think I’m good at.

If you could have a billboard anywhere, what would it say and where would it be?

Thanks to John Cena for sending in this question last week.  I guess the only thing I have to promote is this blog, so it’d probably be a pretty simplistic design advertising MollysBook.  And it would be in an episode of Family Guy or The Simpsons, because that’s the only place where I ever read billboards.

I Need You!

Well butter me up and call me a biscuit, it’s been a whole freaking year since I started old bloggy here.

Seeing as I’ve been providing you all with such hilarious and thought provoking content once a week(ish) for a full 12 months, I wanted to know – Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

So the comment section on this post (and all other posts) is anonymous. You don’t have to be a member of WordPress to comment, so please feel free to ask whatever your heart desires.  If you don’t mind letting me know your name, you can also get in touch via various social media platforms (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter).

This could be a complete flop and/or total nightmare, but I mean it when I say; Ask me anything.  Dirty, clean, embarrassing, controversial, political, ethical, stupid, intellectual… Other various adjectives – I will answer them.

Next week’s blog is up to you.

Barney’s Story Time: Mumi’s Adventur

Lst week mumi came home frm work nice and early nd I said hello hello hello plz pet me hello hello hello oh god hello.  then I was rely rely bored so i decided to bark nd bark and bark and wine nd wine and wine till she let me come in bed nd get under the big fluffy sleepy warm thing and I had a snooze nd it was nice.

Heres me bein cute bfor walk

Mumi made food for her face hole and but none for mine.  she says I’m greddy but she is. she always eatin eatin eatin food and gives none to me evn thouh i know she not evn hungry, she just a piggy.  I see it go in her face hole, where does it go?  smells so gud, i’m hungry.  So after tht I wasn’t gonna snooze for her no more and be a good boy cuz why not, i wanna go outside.

Mumi always takes years to leav the human kennel  she has skin but puts on other layers like coat, hat, sock, shoes that I’m not allowed to eat so i just bite them and chew them and ok i do eat them sometimes sorri.

i got too excited when mumi got the lead because then i knew we were definately going to the magical place wer i can run run run and pee pee pee and poo.  i ran away frm her and she shouted so i decided to let her put the lead on my necklace evn though it choke me i dont care WE’RE GOIN TO THE PARK.

we got to the park and hooray I’M FREE so i run away and smell all the things i can see and I make sure those other dogs know this is my park.  the trick is to pee on everything.  even if you have no pee left in your willy, just lift ur leg and pretend, the other animals will think youve done a pee and will know the park is urs.

mumi was talkin into that little black thing that her and daddi have nd always look at, so i decided to run away and hide.  i could hear mumi shouting my name but i didn’t mind because there was still plenty of things to smell and pee on.  when mumi found me after 1 whole hour, she smacked my bum then picked me up and squished me and kissed me on the head and called me a bold boy but then said i was a good boy, so i was happi and she was too maybe.

we walked back to the human kennel when mumi said, oh fuck where are my keys, and we had to go around to the back where the adventur is.   there’s loads and loads of rubish at the back because the men who make banging noise at 8am always throw tiles and bricks and pallets and stuff over the wall becuz they r too lazy to hire a skip.  mumi tried to kick in the red door to our house and she looked sososososo mad.  then she tied my rope to a big hunk of wood and stacked up some rubish and wowwowwow climed up the wall and disapeared over into our yard where i poo!!!

the red door opened and i went into my house, but then i did a little sneak wen mumi was washin the blood off her cut hand, so i ran back outside and more adventur for me, see ya later mumi byeee!

more hrs later after mumi was shoutin shoutin shoutin i decided to come home and mumi was sad but she quished me and kissed me again and we watched tv and i ate a bone and humped a cushon and it was a nice day.

Advice from St Valentine

As we all know, the most important day of the entire year is coming up.  Valentines’ Day! This is the day that our partner is absolutely obliged to spend the most amount of money on us, the day that our minds are finally read and our dreams come true.

If you are single, this blog is not for you.  You shouldn’t even be clicking something with the word ‘Valentine’ in the title.  You should be at home alone with your cats, were you belong forever because no one likes you.

I’m gonna start off with some advice for men because obviously they need it most –

1. If it doesn’t cost money, do not give it to her.  If you haven’t spent your hard earned money on something, it’s not worth our time.
2. If it’s not pink, red, or have hearts on it, your girlfriend will not like it.
3. All females like chocolate, so no matter how many times they tell you they’re on a diet, you must buy it for them.  Women love feeling terrible about themselves and going to the gym.
4. If you really love your other half, you will get the biggest, most expensive card in the shop.  Ensure you get this from Hallmark or Urban Outfitters – Tesco cards will not do.  
5. Get a ridiculously large teddy – Every female out there loves big, elaborate, mortifying gifts.  Please do not make the mistake of giving it to us in the privacy of our own home.  You must give it to us in the most public setting you can fathom.  Middle of the shopping centre?  Perfect.
6. Send flowers to work.  We all love when we get the phone call from the front office saying that there’s a gift for us.  The only thing we love more than getting the call is carrying the flowers back to our desk.
7. Buy us a holiday.  Expect to pay for everything on said holiday because YOU bought it for US, and that’s included in the present.
8. Take us shopping.  Tell us to get whatever we want.  Do not dare make a face when you see the bill at Karl Lagerfeld.
9. Make a bath filled with rose petals.  Every girl on the planet loves the smell of roses and has time for a bath in the middle of the day.
10. If all else fails – Propose with the most expensive ring you cannot afford.  Bitches love weddings.

Advice for girls –

1.  If you make it through the day, you must make him a sandwich the very next day.  If he doesn’t follow the above steps – End it. Thems the rules for happiness.

 

 

P.S – JK.

 

 

 

 

Friends Required: Apply Within

 

I have always been terrible at making friends.  When I first started school, I hated the other children so much that I insisted I stayed with Mrs Fegan, the cleaner.  She tactically convinced me into painting something one day, and when I turned my back she had sneaked away to get on with her duties.  I cried for the rest of the day.  I was shit at being a child.

Remember the Wendy house in the corner of the classroom that every school had?  I was extremely intimidated by other girls and the friendships they had so easily formed, so I didn’t step foot in the Wendy house till my Mum was late one day and all the other pupils had left.  My brother Harry played with me while my Mum and Mrs O’Connor talked. He stole a plastic onion and we laughed all the way home.

I did have friends eventually, but not until I was around 10.  These are happy memories, but I distinctly remember spending all or most of my time trying to impress them.  I was (and admittedly still am) extremely needy and over-protective, so if someone even indicated they were trying to steal my best friend, they were going down.  I’m not proud to say I was a bit of a bully in my final year of primary school.

The tables really turned in secondary school.  I learned the hard way that being a teenage girl is just the worst.  I had formed group of new ‘best friends’ who dumped me out of the blue one day because they just didn’t want me around anymore. Poof.  I was sitting there one day, offering up my gummy strawberries, and the next thing I know I’m at the back of the classroom alone and crying again.  It didn’t end there though, because they insisted on harassing me on MSN messenger and via text.  One girl in particular was relentless.  I’m not going to name names but lets’ call her Cunty McCunterson.  If anyone treated my sisters the way that she treated me, there is no doubt I would have the police involved. Can you tell I’m still bitter?  Yeah, I’m still bitter.

Fast forward a few years, to when I really was happy.  Truly happy.  I had friends that I loved and I thought I was set for life.  I still had issues with trust, but I finally felt like I could be myself. They meant more to me than my family.  In the end, I relied on them so much I took advantage of them and eventually they left me too. I blamed them for abandoning me, telling myself that if they had of loved me, they would have stayed.  I realise now that they actually gave me loads of chances to be a better friend, and I fucked each one up entirely.  I was never a bad person, I just made some really bad choices.

I told myself for a long time that I was better off alone.  I shut off from everyone and was drifting through life with the mantra that I didn’t care about anyone, and I eventually stopped caring about myself too.  Some people scraped the surface and made me feel like my old self (shout out to my sister, KD, KOH and JC) but in the end I knew I would let them down too.  So I shut them out as well.

*Cue violins* When I met Gareth, a part of me changed.  I wanted to do things differently. So I did. From the very beginning he meant something more to me, so I told him everything; what I had done and who I had let down, why I hated myself as a person and why I felt everyone hated me.  I told him I wanted to change and he believed me. For the first time in a long time he reminded me what it was like not to be so alone.

Being a newly reformed 24 year old is not ideal for making friends.  It’s not like school where you’re socially forced to talk to people.  The thought of voluntarily entering a communal situation like a yoga class or asking someone out on a girl-date is more horrifying than that first day of Primary School.  Truth is, I have no idea how to make friends any more. I wish it was as easy as messaging someone and saying “Hey you seem cool, wanna hang out?” But I’m nervous around girls.  I laugh at my own jokes and create awkward silences. I pretend to be cool and pretty when really; I haven’t showered in a week.  I run away from conversation but get jealous if you have other friends.  

 

The changes I’ve been trying to make this year have influenced this blog.  I need positive people around me.  Everyone is worthy of friends, and I need to stop being so scared of having them.

If I Had Money.

I was going to title this blog ‘If I Were Rich’, but the more I thought about it the more I realized; I don’t want to be rich.  I don’t want to live like the Kardashians and have shoes that cost more than a car.  I don’t want to live in a mansion with 16 bathrooms and a pool the size of a tennis court.  I don’t even want to be able to hire a private jet to fly me to the moon and back.

The money I’m talking about is the illustrious ‘disposable income’.  If I had disposable income I would get so much shit done. Bills would be getting paid, left right and centre.  I could get my hair cut every 4 weeks (I heard that’s customary) and I could get my nails done when they’re ghastly, not just once a year for fancy occasions. I could drive everywhere and not agonize about the cost of petrol.  I could take my mum out for lunch a few times a month.  I could buy a few drinks in a bar instead of Tescos at the weekend. I could even purchase a single packet of crisps without thinking “80p for a packet of crisps?!?”

Maybe because it’s the end of the month and I’m marvellously broke, but recently all I can do is think of all the things I could achieve if I had ready money. Boyfriend and I have been looking for a house of late. It’ll be our first place together (we’re presently house-sharing) and it feels like a huge deal.  When we decided to start our own adventure, to say I was excited would be an understatement.  I wanted to move out within the hour.  I pictured myself putting up lamps, hanging up art, finding places for books, records, and the other phenomenal amount of stuff we own.  I had wistful visions Barney running around his new home exploring; we would maybe even get an opportunity to re-start his training – no more getting into bed with us in the morning, no more ‘little accidents’ against the skirting.  I’d be putting little Molly touches on everything, calling my mum for counsel and planning trips to Ikea.

You know what’s really shitting stressful?  Moving house.  It’s not like I thought it would be, wherein I look through a brochure and pick the attractive one with the nice garden, big windows and view of the city.  No no, we have very specific requirements that need to be met.  It’s becoming increasingly difficult to find a compromise.  Great house – beside a bonfire site.  Great price – no furniture. Great location – way over budget. Poor Boyfriend has to listen to me whinge and moan on about how I don’t want to live in a squat for the next three years, but at the same time I have to put up with him harping on about how “this is all we can afford”. If I had money, I’d be able to pay for the pleasant detached two bedroom house on the out-skirts of the city. I wouldn’t have to worry about the cost of petrol getting to and from work.  Wouldn’t have to factor in if we had to take the car to do groceries.  If I had money, I could pay for the stuff I want, and save for the stuff I need.

If I had money I could go back to school to study. I don’t often regret not going to University, and I am so fortunate not to have debt like so many others, but I do feel like I missed out on knowledge that could have been mine.  I know a lot of people will say their Course was futile, but I legitimately love learning, and I wish I felt this way when I left school after my A Levels.

If I had money, I don’t think my life would be greater, but I think it would enhance what I already have. I know a lot of people undergo these feelings.  I think it’s important to say that I realise I don’t know what’s in store for me, or what may be just around the corner, but I should mention that I’m rather impatient and it had best come quickly.  There’s a common misquote that “money is the route of all evil”, but it’s actually “The love of money is the route of all evil.”  I don’t worship money; I would just like some more of it.