Advice to my Teenage Self.

I wouldn’t go as far as to call myself an adult, but I definitely know a lot more about life than I did when I was a teenager.  If time travel was a thing, and I had access to it, and it wasn’t dangerous, and going back in time didn’t mess up the future, I would have some solid advice to give my teenage self.

Molly – Stop being so mad at your parents.  You are their second child, their first daughter.  They have no idea what they’re doing.  They might seem like they do, but they don’t.  They’re trying to do their best to raise you better than their parents raised them, and it’s only natural that they fuck up from time to time.  They push you so hard because they want what’s best for you – They want you to have the things they never did.  At the same time, don’t let them make you feel guilty.  You are your own person and you DO NOT have to agree with everything they say.  You can have your own opinions, but for God’s sake, respect theirs too.

Secondly – Be kind.  The people you think are ‘uncool’ or ‘weird’ are just different.  You don’t have to be their best friend, you just need to understand that they have their own shit going on, and you being dismissive or ignorant towards them is not going to help that. Smile, say hello, ask how they are and listen to their answer – You could have more in common than you think.

Third – Be yourself.  Sometimes it’s necessary to change how you act around people (eg. I know you think swearing is natural but people are offended by it.  Reign it in from time to time) but don’t ever pretend to be something you’re not.  Don’t pretend to like a band because some boy you fancy does.  Don’t lie about your age on the internet.

Fourth – Listen in class.  Education is the most important thing you can have.  It will broaden your horizons and make you more acceptant of people.  If you have all the facts, you see both sides of an argument and will stress a lot less over feeling like you need to pick a side.

Fifth – Fuckboys are a thing.  If a particular guy only wants to be with you when you’re at a party and he’s drunk, but won’t answer your texts during the week – He’s a fuckboy.  Respect yourself.  If a guy talks to another girl and admits later it was to make you jealous – He’s a fuckboy.  If a guy makes you feel insecure, instead of helping you attain a positive image of yourself- He’s a fuckboy and only cares about himself.  If a guy pulls you out of bed and drags you down the stairs because he’s mad – Not only is he a fuckboy, but he’s also an abusive cunt.  You do not have to waste your time and energy on boys who treat you like an object.  And if your heart hurts because of a break up – I can 100% guarantee you will feel better about it in six months (providing you draw a line under the relationship)

Sixth – How you look does not define you.  How you act and what you do is what people will remember.  Sure it’s OK to be proud of your appearance, but don’t let it be the centre of your universe.  Stop counting calories.  This will lead not only to issues that you will spend the rest of your life dealing with, but also decisions which will be the biggest regrets of your life.

Seventh – For the love of God, I know you don’t have much money, but please, please, if you’re going to wear leggings, invest in a pair that you can’t see your pants through.

Eighth – Everything’s gonna be OK.

I Need You!

Well butter me up and call me a biscuit, it’s been a whole freaking year since I started old bloggy here.

Seeing as I’ve been providing you all with such hilarious and thought provoking content once a week(ish) for a full 12 months, I wanted to know – Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

So the comment section on this post (and all other posts) is anonymous. You don’t have to be a member of WordPress to comment, so please feel free to ask whatever your heart desires.  If you don’t mind letting me know your name, you can also get in touch via various social media platforms (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter).

This could be a complete flop and/or total nightmare, but I mean it when I say; Ask me anything.  Dirty, clean, embarrassing, controversial, political, ethical, stupid, intellectual… Other various adjectives – I will answer them.

Next week’s blog is up to you.

Story Time: Creep Encounters

I’ve come across a lot of creeps in my time.  To me, a creep is a person who makes you feel uneasy, a person you would go out of your way to avoid or a person you would actively warn your friends against.

I once had a boy tell me (via email) he would shoot me if I didn’t go on a date with him.  Once, on the bus home from school, I had a man throw me a hand-written note, apologising he was old, but wanting to get to know me. There was one who followed my friend and I around Sainsbury’s and made us cry.  About a month ago, a man outside my work was walking past (around 3am) and asked if I’d like to go home with him.  Not long before that a man tried to get in my car because I didn’t want to go to a club with him.

My most recent Creep Encounter was last Friday/ Saturday morning.

Last Friday I had one of the best nights out I’ve had in ages.  It was payday, I bought new Primer, I had had a great sleep and I was generally feeling pumped.  It was our friends birthday and she had planned a pretty messy night out for it. You know sometimes you just need a really messy night out? Where you mix your drinks and say ‘Fuck the hangover!’ because you’re going to drink everything in sight?  This was one of those nights.

We went to the Parlour Bar.  My Boyfriend gets really generous when he’s drunk, so he bought me two bottles of wine, and yeah, I drank them.  After an undetermined number of hours, Boyfriend had had enough and needed to crash.  I, on the other hand, had been sleeping all day and was going to be up for a while.  I ended up with my friend at house party at the other side of Belfast, playing with a puppy, alongside a few tattooed bearded men I did not know.  They were great guys though, so if you were thinking that one of them was The Creep, then shame on you! Stop judging people!

After a few more hours of sitting around, I was beginning to feel slightly less drunk.  Sensible Molly said  ‘It’s time to go home now, dear’ so I booked a taxi and was on my merry way at around 3.30am. The taxi man was nice too, it’s really easy not to be a Creep.

When I got home, I was still feeling pretty alive.  I let Barney out of his crate, we had a dance then a snuggle and watched Family Guy on TV. Then The Munchies arrived.  You know when you’re drunk and all you can think about is food?  I wanted anything with cheese.  Toast just would not do.  So I decided to get a take away.

One of my favourite things about Belfast is that you can get food at any time of the day or night.  Literally, that’s probably my favourite thing. I was on the JustEat app when I found the perfect pizza combination.  I didn’t over-think it, or cross compare with other take-aways, I just trusted my instincts and ordered the first one I wanted.  With extra cheese.

It came relatively quickly, though I think I fell asleep on the sofa, so who knows.  I had written a note on the order for the guy not to ring the bell, because it drives Barney mad and I didn’t want to wake up Boyfriend.  So I went to the door, and actually apologised to the delivery guy because HE rang the bell.  I said ‘Sorry, could you not ring the bell? I don’t want to wake up my Boyfriend, sorry’. He apologised and I took the pizza, thanked the man and went back inside.

I was halfway through my pizza when my phone started to ring.  Now, I’m not a popular person and this was at 4.30am, so I was more than a little freaked out at seeing an unknown number on the screen.  I answered it, thinking that the delivery guy must have forgotten to give me a free bottle of Coke, or wanted to ask if I could review the food.  It did happen to be the delivery guy but this is how the conversation went;

Creep: ‘Hey Molly, what’s up?’

Me: “What?”

Creep: ‘Are you enjoying your food, heh heh?’

Me: ‘What?’

Creep: ‘What are you doing? Heh heh..’

Me: ‘What?’

Then I hung up.  I ate the rest of my pizza but the whole time I had an anxious feeling the delivery guy was outside.  Just sitting in his car.  He could even be outside the door.  What if he was waiting behind the bins for me to come out?  What if there was a window open? Did I close the front door properly?  Could he sense my fear? What if he climbed up the drainpipe into the second flat, jumped down into our yard and got in through the kitchen? I’ve never been so glad to have a dog.

Just as I was going to bed, I received two texts, the first saying ‘why don’t speak to me’ then ‘am to horny molly’. This made me mad.  I didn’t reply.  This guy.  This fucking asshole had taken my number, driven to my house, realised I was home practically alone, obviously after a night out drinking, and decided that I might have liked to converse with him? In what universe would a man think this was acceptable behaviour?

To set things straight, I don’t blame the take-away.  I had bought food from here once before and I actually thought the delivery guy was great. I have no idea why the owner decided to employ someone else.  I explained what had happened when I wrote the review, but the company didn’t post it on the JustEat app.  An apology would have been nice.  Don’t want one from The Creep though, I hope he was fired.

Lesson learned; don’t get 4am take-away from Little Caesars and don’t answer the phone to a number ending in 726.  Or starting in 07881044.  Did I just give away that guys phone number?

Sorry not sorry.

How to Win at Scrabble.

This is kind of a step away from my most recent posts.  It’s not actually a tutorial on how to win at Scrabble (sorry), however, it is something that is of great interest to me. Put simply; words.  Words that you didn’t know existed.

I’ve always loved reading.  One thing that I was always good at.  I remember the smug pride when I moved onto Key Stage 5 books in primary school (shout out to Biff, Chip, Floppy, Kipper, Wilf, Wilma, Mum and Dad).  My Mum has always read, and my Dad has always encouraged it, so I grew up with Rohal Dhal, Dick King Smith, R.L Stein, C.S Lewis, Tolkin, Peter V Brett, Patrick Rothfuss and my absolute hero JK Rowling.

Despite in the past having read up to 6 or 7 books per annum, within the last few years my reading pattern has dwindled.  This is partly down to not having too much on my mind and/or lack of concentration.  Mostly I blame technology *shakes fist*.  Sometimes I could spend an hour on Pinterest or YouTube rather than reading, but once I start a book, I’m always reminded how (for me) it is the ultimate escape.

Reading is the only time I’ll ever look up the meaning of a word.  If I see something in a book that I don’t know the definition of, I’ll look it up.  I really enjoy the feeling of knowing stuff, so in this blog, I’ve found some cool words that you might like to whip out in conversation in order to confuse everyone around you.

Philtrum – This is the little groove below your nose and above your upper lip.  How to use in conversation; “I stroke my philtrum when I’m thinking.”

Ferrule – The metal part on the bottom of a pencil. How to use; “My flipping ferrule flew off my pencil”

Mondegreen – A misheard lyric.  Eg, in Taylor Swift’s song ‘Blank Space’ I always thought the lyrics were “Got a list of Starbucks lovers” when it’s actually “Got a long list of ex-lovers”.  What a fucking mondegreen.

Tittle – This is the dot over an I or a J.  How cool is that?!

Bibble – Nothing to do with punctuation, it’s actually the noise you make when you’re a noisy eater.

Misophonia – The fear of specific noises.  Like cutting cardboard or eating Wotsits.

Trypophobia – The fear of irregular sized holes.  Google Image Search.  I might have this.

Zarf – This is the cardboard sleeve which protects your hand from searing hot take-away coffee.  How to use “If I can’t have a zarf can I at least have another cup?”

Frisson – The sudden feeling of excitement.  I used to always get this feeling before I went out.  It’s kinda like shivers, but some people also refer to it as having some one walk over their grave.  In future if you hear someone say this you can respond “No you dumb shit that was a frisson, duh.”

Glabella – The space between your eyebrows, just above your nose.  In a sentence; “I have a splitting pain behind my glabella”  HAHA!  No will know what you’re on about!

Dysania – I was shocked that this word isn’t used more often.  Dysania is the feeling you get in the morning when you are physically and emotionally struggling to get out of bed.

Jentacular – This comes after dysania.  It’s wanting breakfast as soon as you manage to get out of bed.

Wamble – Finally, this is the sound your stomach makes when it grumbles.  “Give me food, the wambles are getting out of hand.”  (Not sure if that’s correct use of the term)

Isn’t learning fun!?

To conclude, I just wanted to touch on what I’ve been harping on about in my previous bloggies – mindfulness and wellbeing. The reason I’ve started to read and learn a bit more is to aid my mental health.  I can’t stress enough how important it is to take time to do something for yourself, even if it is just learning the meaning of a new word.  A new word can start a conversation with a stranger, teach you something you may never have known and encourage you to go on and learn something else.

You have control over your kismet.  (Look it up)

Fresh Starts.

I was very tempted to write this at the beginning of the year, but when I came to it, I couldn’t bring myself to add to the extensive amount of “New Year, new me” posts.  Why?  Because they’re all bullshit and make me feel like crap.

Not that an individual’s intentions aren’t there, because I know what it’s like to believe that you can change overnight, but the reality is, you can’t. I promise myself every New Year’s Eve that it’s the last negative thought, last lazy day, that I’ll go to the gym and eat a balanced diet.  This year, I chose not to promise myself to change! Freedom!

Instead, earlier today, almost a full week into the New Year, I told myself that I would first of all accept myself, then work on the things I want to change.  I had some good news in the past few days, mainly that I’m finally getting the opportunity to talk to a qualified counsellor about how I’ve been feeling recently and problems I’ve had in the past.  I feel uncharacteristically positive about it, as if things actually might begin to change.

So this year (the last 12 hours really) I’ve decided to focus on positive thinking.  I know, it sounds horribly familiar, but part of the problem I faced was having a mantra telling myself that I wasn’t good enough. I would beat myself up for days because my blog got 15 views, or that I downloaded Kayla Itsines app and hadn’t opened it yet.  At one point last month I cried because I couldn’t stop snacking. I understand that not going to be a global superstar award winning blogger, or one of the female machines that is part of the BBG revolution.  I accept this.  Now move on Molly, you’re a 24 year old woman, get over yourself – rapido rapido.

Things I’m looking forward to this year;

Saying “Yes” to more stuff.  Ever seen ‘Yes Man’ (Jim Carey)?  Great movie.  I don’t mean saying yes to class A drugs or taking part in a porno, but smaller things like going for a walk with Boyfriend and Barney, or making plans and actually keeping them.  I’ve started Yoga Camp with Adriene (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4iSb1bDQq8) which I found really beneficial in the past.

Changing my attitude towards other people.  I will say “good for you” and mean it.  If I don’t mean it, I won’t say it.  I’ll just stare at you blankly or mention the weather.  I will compliment people on their make-up and not be resentful my face doesn’t look the same.  I will look at slim, toned people and think “Wow! They must have worked really hard!  Someday I might do that too!”

I’m going to avoid people who make me feel inadequate.  Number one being Zoella and similar Youtubers.  I know that’s enormously childish, but the truth is, I am extremely jealous of her and her life. So I’m unsubscribing from her channel, at least until I get a little better at this ‘accepting myself’ business.

Growing my hair – Eh, no, this isn’t really to do with optimistic thinking (“GROW HAIR I BELIEVE IN YOU”) but I’m looking forward to actually being able to create ‘beach waves’ rather than ‘rats tails’ this summer.  Surprise Bonus Beauty Hack! – about 6 months ago I stopped using conditioner, as advised by my sister, and my hair has never grown so quickly or been so soft.

I’ve also set myself the utterly hilarious task of writing a book!  About what?  Dunno. I have literally no other ideas separate from – “Why don’t you try and write a book?”

I want to put a lot more of myself into this blog, there’s a lot of things I’ve always been scared to write about.  So, fair warning, expect a lot more of me trying to be funny and talking about myself.

Happy New Year.

Owning a Dog: Pros and Cons

When I asked my parents should I get a dog for Christmas, their response went something like; “No Molly, dear God, no.”  This isn’t because they didn’t like dogs, (in fact, my Grandad bred them when my mum was growing up) they responded like this because if there’s anyone that knows my flaws, it’s my parents.  Me?  Be responsible for something’s life?  Oh the horror.

They said I wouldn’t be able to look after it, it’d be too hard to train, and it would be unfair on the dog.  I agreed with them at the time, but continued to research breeds anyway because I’ve never listened to a word my parents say.

I bought Barney off a man in the car park of a hotel on Boxing Day.  This, I do not recommend.  Despite being the sweetest thing I’d ever seen, Barney was not a healthy puppy.  My heart broke slightly when I had to choose between him and his brother, and to this day I regret not taking both of them.  Within five minutes of having Barney in the car, he took a poo, and I knew then that I loved him, because I wasn’t even mad.

Barney was a Christmas gift for Boyfriend, who always loved dogs.  He had no idea what I’d done and I was nervous when I heard him coming home the day after Christmas.  I put Barney in a box and put a sheet of festive wrapping paper over him.  True to form, when Boyfriend came into the living room, Barney had jumped out of the box and peed on the rug.

The first, and probably the strongest Pro to owning a dog is that they are ALWAYS happy to see you.  When you’ve had the most terrible day at work, nothing is better than being greeted by your dog when you first come through the door.  It’s as if you’ve died and have been raised again. I’m convinced he thinks the last time he sees you go out the door was the last time he’ll see you ever. If your very presence can make a dogs tail wag at lightning speed, you’re doing something right.

Con.  Dogs don’t really like dog food.  Every morning when I come home from work I go to the kitchen to make breakfast.  Every morning Barney stands beside me waiting, hoping against all hope that I drop some food on the floor.  If either Boyfriend or I are eating in the living room, Barney becomes entranced, with one eye on your plate and the other hypnotised by the chewing motion of your jaw.  It’s as though he hasn’t eaten in days, despite having a full bowl of his own food in the kitchen.  Last Christmas, I made a ham.  Once the ham was finished, we had no where to put the stock and the vegetables left in the pot, so we poured it outside.  Obviously this attracted the dog, so we put up a fence.  To this day, Barney still tries to get over the fence to eat what’s left of last year’s Christmas ham.

Pro. Dogs are great conversation starters and ice-breakers.  People are just friendlier when you have a dog.  Dogs are funny, they do funny things.  When I take Barney to the park, everyone wants to chat because he’s there.  Once, after we first got Barney, Boyfriend and I were having a fight, and it was getting pretty serious. Barney trots in and squats to take a poo, proceeding to do this weird squat-walk across the living room.  What had happened was; he had eaten some string. He’d pooed most of it out but the rest was yet to be liberated, so he was just walking around with a dangling bit of poo on the end of a string coming out of his rear.  Boyfriend and I were hysterical, the row forgotten.

Con.  Cleaning up after your dog.  I’m not just talking about string-poo, but pee, vomit, rocks he brings into the house, half eaten toilet roll holders, half eaten books, half eaten Xbox controllers, half eaten clothes (including dressing gowns, shoes, socks, pans and bras) not to mention the amount of hair he sheds.  We have a black rug, and with a white fluffy dog…  Well we need a new rug now.

Pro. Dogs enjoy the simple things.  Barney needs food, walks, water and love.  That’s it. How I wish I could be made so happy so easily.

I had more cons drafted to write about but now that I come to it, they’re not cons at all.  Of course there are little things that annoy me but there is nothing I would change about Barney.  He might be bold and extremely irritating sometimes, but that’s all part of his little personality.  I never thought I’d say this, but I am now a ‘dog person’ thanks to my little scruffy ball of joy.  If you’re considering getting a dog for Christmas, please make sure you can look after it properly. Do your research, prepare your house, but most of all, make sure you can love it as much as we love Barney.

A Recommendation and a Realisation.

Netflix is strange.  I often scroll an inappropriate amount of time looking for something of interest.  When it’s my turn to choose, either it’s a movie my boyfriend has already seen, or it’s only been rated with 2 stars.  We learned the hard way not to give the 2 stars a chance – they’re rated low because they’re terrible.  Trust the stars.  We often have to abandon the Xbox to look on our phones, as they seem to provide a wider range of choice.

Last night however, it thankfully wasn’t my turn to choose.  I was busy in the kitchen, leaving my boyfriend the laborious task of choosing.  After about 3 minutes I hear “Molly, do you want to watch this?”

I could spend 40 minutes going through each category.  In particular, even though I know all the scary movies are awful, I still read almost every abridgment to see if they’re worth risking the 2 star rating (No!  Never!).

He had chosen a movie called ‘Advantageous’. Written and starring Jacqueline Kim, Netflix doesn’t give much away about the plot with the synopsis saying “In her profession, getting older isn’t an option.  Science has a solution, but it’s the ultimate sacrifice. (2015)”

It opens with a young girl and her mother singing in French, playing piano.  They’re in a normal looking apartment, suitable for two bodies to live comfortably.  It’s the kind of apartment I would like, lots of warm colours among the organised clutter of books and furniture, lamps tucked away in the corners, not a computer or television in sight.

Gwen Koh (Jacqueline Kim) and her 13 year old daughter, Jules (Samantha Kim) obviously have a close relationship.  Thinking back on it now, I automatically assumed Gwen to be a single parent, judged purely on the first scene of the film.  The intro is slightly drawn out, comprising of mostly arty farty shots of children leaping about an unidentifiable city and close ups of Gwen and Jules’ face.  The movie kick starts into action when something zooms over the head of Jules and her friends. It’s only when the camera follows her gaze towards the sound in the sky, we find the movie is actually set in the future, because nothing says an opulent future like a really fast hovercraft!

At the beginning, Gwen seems to be a highly powered individual in a prestigious company, which seems to specialize in innovative technology surrounding medical procedures aimed at making people look younger.  In time, we find that Gwen can no longer be regarded as the spokesperson of the business due to her age and appearance.  This comes at the worst possible time for Gwen, as Jules is transitioning into a secondary school which happens to have astronomical fees.  Naturally, Gwen wants what’s best for her child, but it’s also reiterated to the audience how brilliant Jules is.  Extremely talented in all aspects of academia, including music and foreign languages, we are handed the impression that Jules and her mother have worked extremely hard to be where they are in this society, where women seem to have lost the battle for equality.

Having been made redundant, Gwen desperately seeks for a way to fund the tuition. She has a limited number of options.  Unable to find another well paid job, or unwilling to wait for it, she turns to her family. We find she is not close to her parents due to their contrasting religious beliefs, and the relationship she has with Jules’ father, Han (played by Ken Jeong*) is more complicated than most.  She does go to him, he does not want to help, but for understandable reasons.  She seeks her estranged cousin who ultimately cannot bring herself to cooperate, due to a betrayal some years before.

The futuristic setting of this movie is very subtle, holographic phone calls, tiny blue-tooth ear pieces, the aforementioned hovercraft’s, but what really makes it hauntingly believable is the way in which society seems to have deemed women as useless after the age of 40.  The desperation portrayed by Jacqueline Kim becomes increasingly intense, and we find her putting herself in a hazardous position only a very reckless woman could do.  She returns to her previous employers and offers herself up for a new experimental procedure. This will reinstate her high up in the company, providing her with a salary which will secure the future for not only Jules and her education, but the modest lifestyle they both continue to live.

Needless to say, the movie progresses into dark territory.  Gwen tries to hide that she is struggling, but Jules (being as intelligent as she is) raises awkward questions which her mother clearly wants to avoid. Despite deciding to discuss the procedure in depth with her daughter in order to prepare them both, Gwen fails to mention that she has no other option, stating that the procedure is for the good of her career.  The bond that mother and daughter have is tested to breaking point after it is followed through.  The unanswered question lingers “Was it worth it?” – Especially when it’s uncovered that Gwen may not have had to make such a subitaneous decision to participate in this drastic, experimental measure.

In all truths, this movie made me sad.  The divide between men and women in society was far more pronounced, but after contemplating it a little, perhaps I’m just ignorant to the struggles which older women have?  I feel there is currently a conscious movement towards empowering young women to achieve, but what upset me about this depiction of the near future, is that this current movement seems to have fallen flat on it’s face.

I would never have regarded myself as a feminist.  My only experience with a true feminist would be my old sociology teacher who almost daily crammed it down my throat – The thought that the only reason women did anything was for the pleasure of men was sickening.  I have come realise that this is not the case, and that I do feel strongly about feminism. Men and women are different, but equal too.  It’s no use getting upset if a male were to say I couldn’t be a fireman, because I wouldn’t want to.  I’d be terrible at fighting fires.  I can’t even do a push up.   Similarly, it’s no use getting upset if a man were to say they couldn’t be a midwife.  Most men have no idea about childbirth.

This movie highlighted the importance of remembering the ‘different but equal’ mantra that has been ticker taping around my brain since I watched it. I’ve mentioned before that I hate how women are pressured to be something they’re not, and this film depicts a worst-case scenario eventuality I do not want to have arrived at on my 41st birthday.

A highly recommended watch.