I Need You!

Well butter me up and call me a biscuit, it’s been a whole freaking year since I started old bloggy here.

Seeing as I’ve been providing you all with such hilarious and thought provoking content once a week(ish) for a full 12 months, I wanted to know – Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

So the comment section on this post (and all other posts) is anonymous. You don’t have to be a member of WordPress to comment, so please feel free to ask whatever your heart desires.  If you don’t mind letting me know your name, you can also get in touch via various social media platforms (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter).

This could be a complete flop and/or total nightmare, but I mean it when I say; Ask me anything.  Dirty, clean, embarrassing, controversial, political, ethical, stupid, intellectual… Other various adjectives – I will answer them.

Next week’s blog is up to you.

How to Win at Scrabble.

This is kind of a step away from my most recent posts.  It’s not actually a tutorial on how to win at Scrabble (sorry), however, it is something that is of great interest to me. Put simply; words.  Words that you didn’t know existed.

I’ve always loved reading.  One thing that I was always good at.  I remember the smug pride when I moved onto Key Stage 5 books in primary school (shout out to Biff, Chip, Floppy, Kipper, Wilf, Wilma, Mum and Dad).  My Mum has always read, and my Dad has always encouraged it, so I grew up with Rohal Dhal, Dick King Smith, R.L Stein, C.S Lewis, Tolkin, Peter V Brett, Patrick Rothfuss and my absolute hero JK Rowling.

Despite in the past having read up to 6 or 7 books per annum, within the last few years my reading pattern has dwindled.  This is partly down to not having too much on my mind and/or lack of concentration.  Mostly I blame technology *shakes fist*.  Sometimes I could spend an hour on Pinterest or YouTube rather than reading, but once I start a book, I’m always reminded how (for me) it is the ultimate escape.

Reading is the only time I’ll ever look up the meaning of a word.  If I see something in a book that I don’t know the definition of, I’ll look it up.  I really enjoy the feeling of knowing stuff, so in this blog, I’ve found some cool words that you might like to whip out in conversation in order to confuse everyone around you.

Philtrum – This is the little groove below your nose and above your upper lip.  How to use in conversation; “I stroke my philtrum when I’m thinking.”

Ferrule – The metal part on the bottom of a pencil. How to use; “My flipping ferrule flew off my pencil”

Mondegreen – A misheard lyric.  Eg, in Taylor Swift’s song ‘Blank Space’ I always thought the lyrics were “Got a list of Starbucks lovers” when it’s actually “Got a long list of ex-lovers”.  What a fucking mondegreen.

Tittle – This is the dot over an I or a J.  How cool is that?!

Bibble – Nothing to do with punctuation, it’s actually the noise you make when you’re a noisy eater.

Misophonia – The fear of specific noises.  Like cutting cardboard or eating Wotsits.

Trypophobia – The fear of irregular sized holes.  Google Image Search.  I might have this.

Zarf – This is the cardboard sleeve which protects your hand from searing hot take-away coffee.  How to use “If I can’t have a zarf can I at least have another cup?”

Frisson – The sudden feeling of excitement.  I used to always get this feeling before I went out.  It’s kinda like shivers, but some people also refer to it as having some one walk over their grave.  In future if you hear someone say this you can respond “No you dumb shit that was a frisson, duh.”

Glabella – The space between your eyebrows, just above your nose.  In a sentence; “I have a splitting pain behind my glabella”  HAHA!  No will know what you’re on about!

Dysania – I was shocked that this word isn’t used more often.  Dysania is the feeling you get in the morning when you are physically and emotionally struggling to get out of bed.

Jentacular – This comes after dysania.  It’s wanting breakfast as soon as you manage to get out of bed.

Wamble – Finally, this is the sound your stomach makes when it grumbles.  “Give me food, the wambles are getting out of hand.”  (Not sure if that’s correct use of the term)

Isn’t learning fun!?

To conclude, I just wanted to touch on what I’ve been harping on about in my previous bloggies – mindfulness and wellbeing. The reason I’ve started to read and learn a bit more is to aid my mental health.  I can’t stress enough how important it is to take time to do something for yourself, even if it is just learning the meaning of a new word.  A new word can start a conversation with a stranger, teach you something you may never have known and encourage you to go on and learn something else.

You have control over your kismet.  (Look it up)

Shit I Thought When I Was Younger.

Ever look back on your upbringing and think, “Shit, I was dumb.”

1. I thought Red Bull was alcohol.

Not just that it contained alcohol, it was alcohol.  Pure alcohol. My Dad told me this to stop me from buying it.  It was the only item in our corner shop that we weren’t, under any circumstances, allowed to purchase.  I believed this for a number of reasons – The packaging wasn’t very appealing to me as a child, only the bold boys in my neighbourhood seemed to drink it, and my dad was very convincing.  Although it dawned on me later in life that this was simply un-true, I still don’t drink Red Bull around my Dad.

2.  I thought my parents were always right.

They weren’t.  They were young and I was their second child.  I think they had barely gotten to grips with having one sprog before I came along. It took me years to realise that it was OK for me to disagree with them, because that’s what makes you an individual. I can see infinite differences between how my little sisters have been raised and how I was.  For Sonny (the youngest) it was: “Go sit on the naughty stair!” For me it was; “You’re gonna have a sore arse when you get home.” I love my parents with all my heart, but God, they really were shit sometimes.

3.  I believed that if you continuously picked your nose it would grow bigger.

Another Papa Dobbin classic here.  He doesn’t have a big nose per-sé, but it is generously proportioned to be larger than the average hooter.  I picked my nose a lot when I was younger, and every time he caught me doing it he would point to his own and say “This is what you’ll get!” in a cheerful voice.

4.  I was convinced that if I made a face and the wind changed, it would stay like that.

Despite having no idea what this means now, when I was a child I thought it was true.  I literally thought a gust of wind would come and keep my face stuck on ugly mode.  That I’d be walking around with squinty eyes and my tongue stuck out for the rest of my life.

5.  I thought The Simpsons was a regular cartoon.

Honestly, I find The Simpsons FAR funnier now that I’m older, because I actually understand the jokes.  When I was a child I watched it because it was a cartoon on at 6PM.  The last cartoon of the day before all hell broke loose and the News came on. In a recent episode I watched on the constant repeats offered by Sky, Homer says; “If you pray to the wrong god, you might just make the right one madder and madder” Would I have got this as a child?  Hell no!  Satire is not for the mind of a child.  I regularly watch old episodes and have my mind blown by how niave I was.

6. I thought the News was the worst thing ever.

Remember how pissed off you were when your parents turned on the News?  Not that there was anything else on the other channels, but you would watch literally anything but the News.  I even remember trying to be interested in it when I was in my early teens, but even then I just didn’t get it.  I was so oblivious to current events, that I thought Sinn Fein was a person till I was about 14.  I’m pretty well informed now, but there’s still no way I could sit and watch BBC News 24 like some older people do.

7.  I thought Santa was real.

Yeah, until I was around ten.  My cousin told me it was just my Mum and Dad.  I pretended I knew but I didn’t.  I was heartbroken.  I still think back to all those letters I had sent to the North Pole and the steps my parents took to convince me.  My Dad threw rocks on the roof.  My Mum wrote a letter in tiny hand-writing pretending it was from the elves. I also think back to the times it was glaringly obvious; once my Dad told me Santa prefers a nice cold beer instead of milk.  Once I woke up from a nightmare and went downstairs, Mum freaked out when she saw me and started shouting “BACK TO BED!  SANTA HASN’T HAD TIME YET!”  I always wondered why they were so tired in the mornings and didn’t want to experience the Christmas joy.

8.  I thought I’d be a pioneer.

One night on the way home from my Granny Dobbin’s house, my Dad and I stopped for chicken burgers.  While we were waiting, my Dad noticed something in the doorway of an old building.  I’ve never seen my Dad scared, apart from this night.  He turned on the van and drove forward a bit.  As an intuitive child (aka nosey as fuck) I realized something was wrong.  He said he had to phone the ambulance, because he had seen a body in the doorway (sometimes my Dad could be blunt).  He got out of the van to make the call but all I had to do was put down the window to hear him talking.  He said he didn’t want to approach the body because his daughter was with him, but he was pretty sure that he/she wasn’t breathing.  While we were waiting, to distract me (maybe more himself) we went to collect our burgers.  I was eating mine when the ambulance arrived, which on reflection is strange, because I should have been too worried about the dead body to eat.  The paramedics approached the body and knelt down.  The body groaned, rolled over and said; “Pete?”

It was just a man who had drunk too much, sat down and fallen asleep.  My Dad let me get out of the van and I remember standing there in awe that alcohol could do this to a person.  I stood there, chicken burger in one hand and said “I’ll never drink alcohol, Dad.” This was actually a load of crap because 9 years later he was picking me up from the Square Peg and cleaning my drunk-sick from the back of the car.

Although I look back at these times with a twinge of embarrassment, I’m positive I had a very normal, joyful childhood.  If I have kids and they turn out to be as happy as I was growing up, I think I’ll have done a pretty remarkable job.  My parents don’t read this, but they should be proud of themselves.