I Need You!

Well butter me up and call me a biscuit, it’s been a whole freaking year since I started old bloggy here.

Seeing as I’ve been providing you all with such hilarious and thought provoking content once a week(ish) for a full 12 months, I wanted to know – Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

So the comment section on this post (and all other posts) is anonymous. You don’t have to be a member of WordPress to comment, so please feel free to ask whatever your heart desires.  If you don’t mind letting me know your name, you can also get in touch via various social media platforms (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter).

This could be a complete flop and/or total nightmare, but I mean it when I say; Ask me anything.  Dirty, clean, embarrassing, controversial, political, ethical, stupid, intellectual… Other various adjectives – I will answer them.

Next week’s blog is up to you.

Life Update: Moving Forwards

There hasn’t been any earth shattering changes since I wrote ‘Fresh Starts‘ or ‘Friends Required‘  but it would be untrue to say that these posts haven’t slightly changed things my life.

When I wrote Fresh Starts I  was emerging from a pretty bad place. I spoke about mindfulness and being grateful for what I have.  This didn’t come easy to me, and still doesn’t, but I find myself caring a lot less about material things.  In the last few months of 2015, I became more and more obsessed with things I couldn’t have. We couldn’t afford a new apartment, I couldn’t afford nice beauty products, to paint the house or buy new clothes.  It drove me insane. Everyone around me seemed to have it all.  When I finally came to realise that that doesn’t matter, I saw everything clearer.  These material things will come eventually, and even if they don’t, I’m beginning to learn that there are better feelings than that of possession.

The feedback on both blogs was extremely positive.  I had almost given up writing in December and am so truly glad now that I endured.  It’s worth it on a night out when someone from your past says “Oh my God, I love your blog” or “I read it all the time”. Only if it’s one person, I still think; “Someone actually reads what I have to say!” I’ve never felt pride when I bought a new foundation.  I’ve never been satisfied because I bought a new dress three days ago.  I have, however, felt these things because I chose to write.

Friends Required had more of an impact.  The strangest thing is, I almost wasn’t going to
publish this because I thought it came across that I wanted to be pitied.  I want
to thank the people who got in touch because they felt the same way.  It took a lot of balls to tell someone you don’t really know that you’re not entirely happy with your life.  Again, this feeling of acceptance and shared emotion is far superior to any new lipstick.  People should reach out and be unafraid, because those that reached out to me changed my life a little bit more.

I met up with an old friend a few weeks back, and I was so nervous before I was desperately looking for an excuse to cancel. I was getting irrationally irritated at myself for making plans, saying I wished I had had a ‘bed day’ instead, because I hadn’t had one in a while.  I almost didn’t answer the door when he finally arrived. I’m pleased to say that once we hung out for about 5 minutes it was as if nothing had changed.  We talked about the past and things we used to think were funny (still hilarious), we talked about new things and how being a grown-up is surreal.  It was the same, but different. When he left, I felt as though I had achieved an award.

I’m still totally terrified when it comes to meeting new people, but at least now I’m excited about it.  I want to go out and see a movie with a friend, because I want that confidence again. There’s always going to be an initial awkward moment but after you move past it, it’s nothing more than mutual interests and shared experiences.

This being said, I haven’t transformed into this totally different person. I still have days where I feel like scum, but these are less now. I’m not the confident, forgiving, inspirational person I would like to be, but I think I’m getting there.

Advice from St Valentine

As we all know, the most important day of the entire year is coming up.  Valentines’ Day! This is the day that our partner is absolutely obliged to spend the most amount of money on us, the day that our minds are finally read and our dreams come true.

If you are single, this blog is not for you.  You shouldn’t even be clicking something with the word ‘Valentine’ in the title.  You should be at home alone with your cats, were you belong forever because no one likes you.

I’m gonna start off with some advice for men because obviously they need it most –

1. If it doesn’t cost money, do not give it to her.  If you haven’t spent your hard earned money on something, it’s not worth our time.
2. If it’s not pink, red, or have hearts on it, your girlfriend will not like it.
3. All females like chocolate, so no matter how many times they tell you they’re on a diet, you must buy it for them.  Women love feeling terrible about themselves and going to the gym.
4. If you really love your other half, you will get the biggest, most expensive card in the shop.  Ensure you get this from Hallmark or Urban Outfitters – Tesco cards will not do.  
5. Get a ridiculously large teddy – Every female out there loves big, elaborate, mortifying gifts.  Please do not make the mistake of giving it to us in the privacy of our own home.  You must give it to us in the most public setting you can fathom.  Middle of the shopping centre?  Perfect.
6. Send flowers to work.  We all love when we get the phone call from the front office saying that there’s a gift for us.  The only thing we love more than getting the call is carrying the flowers back to our desk.
7. Buy us a holiday.  Expect to pay for everything on said holiday because YOU bought it for US, and that’s included in the present.
8. Take us shopping.  Tell us to get whatever we want.  Do not dare make a face when you see the bill at Karl Lagerfeld.
9. Make a bath filled with rose petals.  Every girl on the planet loves the smell of roses and has time for a bath in the middle of the day.
10. If all else fails – Propose with the most expensive ring you cannot afford.  Bitches love weddings.

Advice for girls –

1.  If you make it through the day, you must make him a sandwich the very next day.  If he doesn’t follow the above steps – End it. Thems the rules for happiness.

 

 

P.S – JK.

 

 

 

 

Things to do to Feel Less Blue.

January.  Ugh.

Ughhhh.

It’s cold.  It’s not Christmassy. I have £10 cash and £7.26 in M&S vouchers to my name. I didn’t win the lottery last week and to top it all off, every advert on the TV is for a holiday destination.

I know if you’re reading this, there’s an extremely high chance that you’re in a similar position.  Alas, don’t worry, I’m here to save you from the cesspool of depression.

In my last blog, I talked about not making New Year resolutions.  This has been really effective in maintaining my peace of mind. There’s no goals to achieve, meaning no pressure to be something I’m not. I have started to change my daily routine ever-so slightly, in order to trick myself into positive thinking.  Sneaky wee me!

The number one thing that I’ve changed is that when I wake up, after I eat breakfast, I do 30-50 minutes of yoga.  Before you roll your eyes and close the page, let me just say that I am not a spiritual person.  I did not start yoga for inner peace or freedom of the soul.  I started it because I was too lazy to do what I thought was ‘real exercise’.  I figured it would be much easier to lay on a mat breathing, than going out for a run.  Plus then I could say I had a hobby.  And yoga seemed like the cool thing to do, as I had heard some Victoria Secret models do it.

However I have found yoga to be one of the most fulfilling exercises ever.  It’s not as easy as it looks, and I’ve found it really helps in distracting me from everyday worries.  It’s hard to think about money problems when you have one foot wrapped around another, with your arms stretched out, while you’re squatting, trying to maintain a consistent inhale exhale pattern.  This is now my third time mentioning her, but I cannot recommend my Texan friend Adriene enough; http://www.youtube.com/user/yogawithadriene

Next, if you’re like me, your amount of time of Facebook has an embarrassingly high average.  I don’t have the most active online persona (in that I don’t update very often), but I do like to know what other people are up to. Stalking is a strong word, but I’m likely to know if you’ve done anything exciting in the last week.

What I’ve started to do I have labelled a ‘Facebook Cleanse’.  I went through a period of watching RuPaul’s Drag Race, and surfed about FB ‘liking’ my favourite Drag Queens.  After about 18 months of following them, and no longer watching the programme, I’ve found their updates to be something that I skim over when scrolling down my feed.  After removing the majority, I started to look at other contacts I didn’t really follow.  If I genuinely didn’t care what they posted, I removed them.  It wasn’t one of those brutal cleanses where I was like; “If I haven’t spoken to them this week, I’m removing them and that’s that.” Honestly, I follow people because I like to know what they’re up to. There’s nothing disingenuous about this, I just like to see where they go, what they wear, how they’ve done their make up, and what’s up with their pets – even if I’ve never had a (sober) conversation with them.

Another thing I’ve been trying to do is ‘Dry January’ wherein I’m supposed to be abstaining from alcoholic beverages.  This has been easy, given that on Christmas Eve (not New Years day), I had a hangover so bad I thought I would have to go to A&E. I didn’t eat for two days and my throat felt like I had been deep-throating razor blades. It’s also relatively undemanding because I don’t have the disposable income for a bottle of wine on a Friday and/or Saturday night. Anyway, I feel pretty superior, and no drinking means no hangover and therefore no cravings for lasagne sandwiches with chips and coleslaw with a side of cheese.

For me, Netflix and chill is one of the chief ways to spend time.  I’m not going to propose you watch ‘Making a Murderer’- I feel that everyone and their aunt has watched it, but if you need a movie with a similar ominous tone, I would totally suggest watching ‘Jonestown’, a docu-movie about Jim Jones and his cult; The People’s Temple. If you need something that steps away from the psychological thriller dramatics, I would go for ‘F is for Family’, ‘BoJack Horseman’ (it has Aaron Paul!) or ‘Wet Hot American Summer’.  All the lols.

Lastly, and swiftly, I prescribe that you get dressed up for no reason, dance around your house, keep small change in your pocket for the homeless, find a healthy new snack (Tesco salt&vinegar rice cakes), binge watch TV, take the stairs, say yes to new situations (stay safe), and finally, to mirror the words of dear old departed Bowie, stay positive, because humans don’t “respond well to entrenched negative thinking.”

Fresh Starts.

I was very tempted to write this at the beginning of the year, but when I came to it, I couldn’t bring myself to add to the extensive amount of “New Year, new me” posts.  Why?  Because they’re all bullshit and make me feel like crap.

Not that an individual’s intentions aren’t there, because I know what it’s like to believe that you can change overnight, but the reality is, you can’t. I promise myself every New Year’s Eve that it’s the last negative thought, last lazy day, that I’ll go to the gym and eat a balanced diet.  This year, I chose not to promise myself to change! Freedom!

Instead, earlier today, almost a full week into the New Year, I told myself that I would first of all accept myself, then work on the things I want to change.  I had some good news in the past few days, mainly that I’m finally getting the opportunity to talk to a qualified counsellor about how I’ve been feeling recently and problems I’ve had in the past.  I feel uncharacteristically positive about it, as if things actually might begin to change.

So this year (the last 12 hours really) I’ve decided to focus on positive thinking.  I know, it sounds horribly familiar, but part of the problem I faced was having a mantra telling myself that I wasn’t good enough. I would beat myself up for days because my blog got 15 views, or that I downloaded Kayla Itsines app and hadn’t opened it yet.  At one point last month I cried because I couldn’t stop snacking. I understand that not going to be a global superstar award winning blogger, or one of the female machines that is part of the BBG revolution.  I accept this.  Now move on Molly, you’re a 24 year old woman, get over yourself – rapido rapido.

Things I’m looking forward to this year;

Saying “Yes” to more stuff.  Ever seen ‘Yes Man’ (Jim Carey)?  Great movie.  I don’t mean saying yes to class A drugs or taking part in a porno, but smaller things like going for a walk with Boyfriend and Barney, or making plans and actually keeping them.  I’ve started Yoga Camp with Adriene (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4iSb1bDQq8) which I found really beneficial in the past.

Changing my attitude towards other people.  I will say “good for you” and mean it.  If I don’t mean it, I won’t say it.  I’ll just stare at you blankly or mention the weather.  I will compliment people on their make-up and not be resentful my face doesn’t look the same.  I will look at slim, toned people and think “Wow! They must have worked really hard!  Someday I might do that too!”

I’m going to avoid people who make me feel inadequate.  Number one being Zoella and similar Youtubers.  I know that’s enormously childish, but the truth is, I am extremely jealous of her and her life. So I’m unsubscribing from her channel, at least until I get a little better at this ‘accepting myself’ business.

Growing my hair – Eh, no, this isn’t really to do with optimistic thinking (“GROW HAIR I BELIEVE IN YOU”) but I’m looking forward to actually being able to create ‘beach waves’ rather than ‘rats tails’ this summer.  Surprise Bonus Beauty Hack! – about 6 months ago I stopped using conditioner, as advised by my sister, and my hair has never grown so quickly or been so soft.

I’ve also set myself the utterly hilarious task of writing a book!  About what?  Dunno. I have literally no other ideas separate from – “Why don’t you try and write a book?”

I want to put a lot more of myself into this blog, there’s a lot of things I’ve always been scared to write about.  So, fair warning, expect a lot more of me trying to be funny and talking about myself.

Happy New Year.

Mega Meatballs.

Despite being a vegetarian for the past six years, I’ve never been squeamish when it comes to preparing meat. None of my family are vegetarians, for me it’s just a lifestyle I chose and stuck to. I’ll never be one to preach, but would recommend trying to be a vegetarian for at least one day a week. You might surprise yourself.

This recipie however, does contain chorizo and minced beef, so maybe try to go meat free tomorrow…
I made this a few weeks ago for Boyfriends dinner. Taste wise he would totally recommend it; 

“These are the best meatballs I’ve ever had!”

– Gareth McGivern, November 2015

So for the sauce;

1 large diced onion

2 cloves of garlic

Chorizo (as much as you like, it melts down anyway and provides flavour)

1 red pepper

2 tins of chopped tomatoes

Some fresh or dried basil

Lots of black pepper

A large pinch of salt and equal that of sugar

Method;

Start by frying your onions, red pepper and garlic in some olive oil over a medium heat. Your pan should be a decent size and have a lid- it’s going into the oven later.

Once your vegetables are soft, add in your chorizo and sauté that for a while until the oil turns a sexy red colour. Add in your tomatoes and bring up to a gentle simmer, stirring often. Turn the heat down if you think it’s simmering a bit too vigorously.

Add in the rest of your ingredients and turn down to a low heat. Put the lid on, wash your hands, and get ready to make meatballs.

For the meatballs;

1lb of beef mince (or any mean I suppose)

Small amount of chopped chorizo

1 clove of garlic

2 slices of wheaten bread, smashed into breadcrumbs

2 eggs

Rosemary

Celery salt (or regular salt)

Big pinch of black pepper

Method;

Chuck all this in a bowl and mix. It’s easiest if you use your hands, though some people may prefare to use gloves (the disposable ones- not the yellow rubber ones under the sink).

Once throughly mixed, cover with cling film or tin foil or whatever and put in the fridge for at least 30 mins. This sets the mixture and ensures the ball doesn’t fall apart. Keep an eye on your sauce but it should be fine. Low and slow is the way.

Put your oven on to about 150 Celsius.

Shape your meatballs using your hands. Make them any size you want, but I made mine rather large because I thought it would be funny to serve boyfriend two big balls for dinner.

Fry your balls off in a pan. This isn’t really to cook them, but it gives them a nice colour and seals them further. Once they’re all brown, carefully put them into your bit pot o’ sauce.

Put your big pot into the oven and turn it down to about 100 celcius.

Leave it in the oven for around 3 hours. The longer it sits, the tastier it is.

Serve with pasta of your choice, in a baguette or if you’re really hungry, just eat them out of the pot
Let me know if your tried them, and how it went if you did!

Relationship Goals.

He’s not trying to kill me, it’s just drunken love.

Uniquely designed to pull at the heartstrings, ‘Relationship Goals’ are on the increase online. However, there is a reality with regards to the pictures you may have been seeing of tanned, laughing couples sharing ice-cream and generally having a better time than you are.

A quick background of my relationship for contextual purposes; I’m 23, Boyfriend is 28. Known him for 7ish years.  We’ve been in a relationship for the past (almost) two years. After a complicated beginning back in 2008, we met up for a real ‘date’ about two summers ago and have been inseparable ever since. He asked me out on Christmas day 2013 via card. He gave me a card and a present on the 20th of December and told me not to open it before Christmas day. I figured it would be alright to open the card because he wasn’t specific about that.  It said “I hope this is how my girlfriend will smell.”  I was really confused and sniffed the card. Turns out the present was perfume and I was supposed to open it first. We went on holiday together Summer 2014 which wasn’t a disaster, so I moved in with him last October.  He’s my best friend.

So I did a quick search of the most popular Relationship Goals, and am now prepared to shed some light on the reality of these situations.

The majority of relationship goals that came up in a totally reliable Google Image search seemed to be simply, hanging out. ‘Netflix and chill’ is a term that’s blown up recently, and for good reason.  Netflix is far cheaper than the movies, you don’t have to get dressed up, or even leave the comfort of your own home. Boyfriend and I ‘Netflix and Chill’ almost every night we have together, though we have upgraded it to ‘Netflix and Chill and Alcohol and Snacks’.  The expectation of this is sitting under a blanket all cosy wearing one of his hoodies, with your hair in a pony tail but still looking sexy-cute with your head on his shoulder.  Our reality is me, sitting under the blanket by myself because I’m freezing, wearing a fleece that’s covered in dog hair, having not washed after a week of work, drinking wine from a recycled jam jar because all the wine glasses broke. We normally watch the beginning of two or three movies before saying “This is shit” and trying to find another. If we do sit together on the sofa (Boyfriend likes to sit in his man-chair) we have to get up every 30 minutes or so to go to the bathroom, have a smoke or get another drink. One of us ends up falling asleep to be woken by the other mumbling “Bedtime?”and we shuffle off to our room after turning off all the switches (which is for some reason SO ANNOYING when you’re tired.)

Another popular relationship goal – Playing video games together.  The image I found is of a girl sitting up against a guy holding a controller.  I hate playing video games.  I am terrible at them, and in contrast, Boyfriend is brilliant.  I barely have an attention span to live my own life never mind a fantasy one. I wouldn’t say I was competitive, but last time we played Mario Cart on the Wii, I gave up after one game and told him to fuck off.

Tickles are fun and cute, right? No. I don’t think there is anything boyfriend hates more than being tickled.  If I even say “Tickles!” to him he starts to laugh but has a deep hollow fear in his eyes. Sometimes when we lay in bed and I put my arm around him, he flinches because he’s afraid my hand will apply too much pressure on his rib-cage. We wrestle often, but he doesn’t want to play if I even threaten tickles.

Funny story about the next ‘goal’. Being on a beach together. I mentioned earlier we went on holiday a few summers ago.  We spent around ten days in Majorca and had a pretty amazing time. One fine day we took the ten minute walk down towards the beach. The weather was like 32 degrees and we were dying to get in the sea.  It was a nice breezy day too, perfect beach weather!  We bought a lie-low on the way, and although the beach was packed we found a nice place to put up our little umbrella to settle down and laze the day away.  We took it in turns going into the sea, because we didn’t want anyone to steal our shit. I got sick of this pretty quickly – I wanted to hang out with him in the sea on the lie-low.  There was loads of couples abandoning their stuff and being romantic together, so we cautiously did the same.  It was fun for a while, but I got a bit bored and wanted to go back and read my book.  We had swam out pretty far so it took me a while to swim back.  I started to paddle/walk the last bit of the way, and as I was just reaching the end, I stood up fully to look around for where we had put our towels. I turned to give boyfriend a cheeky wave to show him I had found my way. As I turned, out of nowhere a full-on tidal wave, body slammed me.  I fell over (obviously) and in my embarrassed panic to stand up, I couldn’t find my feet and did a weird floppy thing along the shore.  I swallowed a liter of sea water, and as I came up from under the water (having avoided certain death) all I could see was boyfriend’s gleeful face, laughing hysterically, trying (failing) to ask me was I alright.  He pointed at me but as he was laughing so hard I didn’t know what he was saying. A short while later I realized my top had come off. RIP dignity.  RIP sunglasses. Still, this moment reaches top three in “Funniest things to ever happen” awards.

I think I should leave it at that, so I don’t embarrass myself further. There is a lot more I could write about; grocery shopping (NO YOU BUY THE BREAD) or who does the most housework, but to conclude, I don’t think any relationship is perfect, especially ours.  I don’t agree with people when they say relationships are hard work, and if they are, should you really be in one?  I wouldn’t change a thing about him, and he wouldn’t change a thing about me.

(Or else.)