Advice to my Teenage Self.

I wouldn’t go as far as to call myself an adult, but I definitely know a lot more about life than I did when I was a teenager.  If time travel was a thing, and I had access to it, and it wasn’t dangerous, and going back in time didn’t mess up the future, I would have some solid advice to give my teenage self.

Molly – Stop being so mad at your parents.  You are their second child, their first daughter.  They have no idea what they’re doing.  They might seem like they do, but they don’t.  They’re trying to do their best to raise you better than their parents raised them, and it’s only natural that they fuck up from time to time.  They push you so hard because they want what’s best for you – They want you to have the things they never did.  At the same time, don’t let them make you feel guilty.  You are your own person and you DO NOT have to agree with everything they say.  You can have your own opinions, but for God’s sake, respect theirs too.

Secondly – Be kind.  The people you think are ‘uncool’ or ‘weird’ are just different.  You don’t have to be their best friend, you just need to understand that they have their own shit going on, and you being dismissive or ignorant towards them is not going to help that. Smile, say hello, ask how they are and listen to their answer – You could have more in common than you think.

Third – Be yourself.  Sometimes it’s necessary to change how you act around people (eg. I know you think swearing is natural but people are offended by it.  Reign it in from time to time) but don’t ever pretend to be something you’re not.  Don’t pretend to like a band because some boy you fancy does.  Don’t lie about your age on the internet.

Fourth – Listen in class.  Education is the most important thing you can have.  It will broaden your horizons and make you more acceptant of people.  If you have all the facts, you see both sides of an argument and will stress a lot less over feeling like you need to pick a side.

Fifth – Fuckboys are a thing.  If a particular guy only wants to be with you when you’re at a party and he’s drunk, but won’t answer your texts during the week – He’s a fuckboy.  Respect yourself.  If a guy talks to another girl and admits later it was to make you jealous – He’s a fuckboy.  If a guy makes you feel insecure, instead of helping you attain a positive image of yourself- He’s a fuckboy and only cares about himself.  If a guy pulls you out of bed and drags you down the stairs because he’s mad – Not only is he a fuckboy, but he’s also an abusive cunt.  You do not have to waste your time and energy on boys who treat you like an object.  And if your heart hurts because of a break up – I can 100% guarantee you will feel better about it in six months (providing you draw a line under the relationship)

Sixth – How you look does not define you.  How you act and what you do is what people will remember.  Sure it’s OK to be proud of your appearance, but don’t let it be the centre of your universe.  Stop counting calories.  This will lead not only to issues that you will spend the rest of your life dealing with, but also decisions which will be the biggest regrets of your life.

Seventh – For the love of God, I know you don’t have much money, but please, please, if you’re going to wear leggings, invest in a pair that you can’t see your pants through.

Eighth – Everything’s gonna be OK.

Mental Health, Why I Blog and John Cena.

Thanks to everyone who got in touch on last weeks post.  I expected to get more than three questions, but I guess I was being pretty big headed thinking more people would be interested in my life.  Awh well. There you are confidence – take another punch in the gut.

 If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

If you asked me this when I was aged anywhere between 15 and 20, I would have had a never ending list of physical things I wanted to change.  I wouldn’t be as tall, I’d be thinner, my hair would be longer, my boobs would be bigger, I would have a six pack.  And why?  I wanted to make girls jealous and boys horny.  Although I’m not yet completely at one with accepting my appearance, I realise, it doesn’t matter.  There will always be someone on this earth who finds you ugly.  But also someone who finds you beautiful.

What I would change is my mind.  I’d get rid of the crushing anxiety.  I wish I could be more positive and outgoing.  I wish I didn’t have an eating disorder and body dysmorphia.  I wish my mental health was better, I know then that without trying my physical health would improve too. I wish I was 100% happy and confident all the time – That way, I wouldn’t make bad choices or have this often overwhelming negative image of myself.

What led you to start a blog?

I thought this question would be the easiest to answer, but I’ve been sitting here staring at it for the past 15 minutes wondering where to start.  I began writing a year ago because I wanted to be a vlogger.  If you’re unfamiliar with this term, it’s basically filming your life and sharing it online.  However, I wasn’t ready to face the impending criticism that comes along with vlogging, so I started writing instead.

I wanted to write to vent, to share my story, to appeal to others, to inspire and to entertain.  I wanted people to tell me that everything was going to be OK, because sometimes, I am really not OK.  In turn, I wanted people to feel that their struggle is not their own.  No one’s life is perfect – Sometimes it’s not even good – But fuck it, we can float on together.

I have always adored writing, and honestly – It’s the one thing I think I’m good at.

If you could have a billboard anywhere, what would it say and where would it be?

Thanks to John Cena for sending in this question last week.  I guess the only thing I have to promote is this blog, so it’d probably be a pretty simplistic design advertising MollysBook.  And it would be in an episode of Family Guy or The Simpsons, because that’s the only place where I ever read billboards.

I Need You!

Well butter me up and call me a biscuit, it’s been a whole freaking year since I started old bloggy here.

Seeing as I’ve been providing you all with such hilarious and thought provoking content once a week(ish) for a full 12 months, I wanted to know – Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

So the comment section on this post (and all other posts) is anonymous. You don’t have to be a member of WordPress to comment, so please feel free to ask whatever your heart desires.  If you don’t mind letting me know your name, you can also get in touch via various social media platforms (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter).

This could be a complete flop and/or total nightmare, but I mean it when I say; Ask me anything.  Dirty, clean, embarrassing, controversial, political, ethical, stupid, intellectual… Other various adjectives – I will answer them.

Next week’s blog is up to you.

Life Update: Moving Forwards

There hasn’t been any earth shattering changes since I wrote ‘Fresh Starts‘ or ‘Friends Required‘  but it would be untrue to say that these posts haven’t slightly changed things my life.

When I wrote Fresh Starts I  was emerging from a pretty bad place. I spoke about mindfulness and being grateful for what I have.  This didn’t come easy to me, and still doesn’t, but I find myself caring a lot less about material things.  In the last few months of 2015, I became more and more obsessed with things I couldn’t have. We couldn’t afford a new apartment, I couldn’t afford nice beauty products, to paint the house or buy new clothes.  It drove me insane. Everyone around me seemed to have it all.  When I finally came to realise that that doesn’t matter, I saw everything clearer.  These material things will come eventually, and even if they don’t, I’m beginning to learn that there are better feelings than that of possession.

The feedback on both blogs was extremely positive.  I had almost given up writing in December and am so truly glad now that I endured.  It’s worth it on a night out when someone from your past says “Oh my God, I love your blog” or “I read it all the time”. Only if it’s one person, I still think; “Someone actually reads what I have to say!” I’ve never felt pride when I bought a new foundation.  I’ve never been satisfied because I bought a new dress three days ago.  I have, however, felt these things because I chose to write.

Friends Required had more of an impact.  The strangest thing is, I almost wasn’t going to
publish this because I thought it came across that I wanted to be pitied.  I want
to thank the people who got in touch because they felt the same way.  It took a lot of balls to tell someone you don’t really know that you’re not entirely happy with your life.  Again, this feeling of acceptance and shared emotion is far superior to any new lipstick.  People should reach out and be unafraid, because those that reached out to me changed my life a little bit more.

I met up with an old friend a few weeks back, and I was so nervous before I was desperately looking for an excuse to cancel. I was getting irrationally irritated at myself for making plans, saying I wished I had had a ‘bed day’ instead, because I hadn’t had one in a while.  I almost didn’t answer the door when he finally arrived. I’m pleased to say that once we hung out for about 5 minutes it was as if nothing had changed.  We talked about the past and things we used to think were funny (still hilarious), we talked about new things and how being a grown-up is surreal.  It was the same, but different. When he left, I felt as though I had achieved an award.

I’m still totally terrified when it comes to meeting new people, but at least now I’m excited about it.  I want to go out and see a movie with a friend, because I want that confidence again. There’s always going to be an initial awkward moment but after you move past it, it’s nothing more than mutual interests and shared experiences.

This being said, I haven’t transformed into this totally different person. I still have days where I feel like scum, but these are less now. I’m not the confident, forgiving, inspirational person I would like to be, but I think I’m getting there.

How to Win at Scrabble.

This is kind of a step away from my most recent posts.  It’s not actually a tutorial on how to win at Scrabble (sorry), however, it is something that is of great interest to me. Put simply; words.  Words that you didn’t know existed.

I’ve always loved reading.  One thing that I was always good at.  I remember the smug pride when I moved onto Key Stage 5 books in primary school (shout out to Biff, Chip, Floppy, Kipper, Wilf, Wilma, Mum and Dad).  My Mum has always read, and my Dad has always encouraged it, so I grew up with Rohal Dhal, Dick King Smith, R.L Stein, C.S Lewis, Tolkin, Peter V Brett, Patrick Rothfuss and my absolute hero JK Rowling.

Despite in the past having read up to 6 or 7 books per annum, within the last few years my reading pattern has dwindled.  This is partly down to not having too much on my mind and/or lack of concentration.  Mostly I blame technology *shakes fist*.  Sometimes I could spend an hour on Pinterest or YouTube rather than reading, but once I start a book, I’m always reminded how (for me) it is the ultimate escape.

Reading is the only time I’ll ever look up the meaning of a word.  If I see something in a book that I don’t know the definition of, I’ll look it up.  I really enjoy the feeling of knowing stuff, so in this blog, I’ve found some cool words that you might like to whip out in conversation in order to confuse everyone around you.

Philtrum – This is the little groove below your nose and above your upper lip.  How to use in conversation; “I stroke my philtrum when I’m thinking.”

Ferrule – The metal part on the bottom of a pencil. How to use; “My flipping ferrule flew off my pencil”

Mondegreen – A misheard lyric.  Eg, in Taylor Swift’s song ‘Blank Space’ I always thought the lyrics were “Got a list of Starbucks lovers” when it’s actually “Got a long list of ex-lovers”.  What a fucking mondegreen.

Tittle – This is the dot over an I or a J.  How cool is that?!

Bibble – Nothing to do with punctuation, it’s actually the noise you make when you’re a noisy eater.

Misophonia – The fear of specific noises.  Like cutting cardboard or eating Wotsits.

Trypophobia – The fear of irregular sized holes.  Google Image Search.  I might have this.

Zarf – This is the cardboard sleeve which protects your hand from searing hot take-away coffee.  How to use “If I can’t have a zarf can I at least have another cup?”

Frisson – The sudden feeling of excitement.  I used to always get this feeling before I went out.  It’s kinda like shivers, but some people also refer to it as having some one walk over their grave.  In future if you hear someone say this you can respond “No you dumb shit that was a frisson, duh.”

Glabella – The space between your eyebrows, just above your nose.  In a sentence; “I have a splitting pain behind my glabella”  HAHA!  No will know what you’re on about!

Dysania – I was shocked that this word isn’t used more often.  Dysania is the feeling you get in the morning when you are physically and emotionally struggling to get out of bed.

Jentacular – This comes after dysania.  It’s wanting breakfast as soon as you manage to get out of bed.

Wamble – Finally, this is the sound your stomach makes when it grumbles.  “Give me food, the wambles are getting out of hand.”  (Not sure if that’s correct use of the term)

Isn’t learning fun!?

To conclude, I just wanted to touch on what I’ve been harping on about in my previous bloggies – mindfulness and wellbeing. The reason I’ve started to read and learn a bit more is to aid my mental health.  I can’t stress enough how important it is to take time to do something for yourself, even if it is just learning the meaning of a new word.  A new word can start a conversation with a stranger, teach you something you may never have known and encourage you to go on and learn something else.

You have control over your kismet.  (Look it up)

The Problem with Unidentified Sadness.

Why is it that there’s times in life when you can’t be happy?  I’m not talking about those who suffer from a mental health issues like manic depression or bipolar disorder.  I’m talking about the inexplicable times where you sit back and admit to yourself that you’re just sad.

I have read and laughed at a number of articles online that have highlighted the differences between men and women.  One of my personal favourites is the picture of a man and woman in bed, obviously a couple, lying with their backs to each other.  They’re both awake and look deep in thought.  The woman is thinking something along the lines of; 

“Why doesn’t he love me anymore?  Why hasn’t he spoken to me in days?  Did I do something?  Should I change for him? Is it because I put on 2lbs?”

At the same time he’s staring into the distance thinking, “Why wouldn’t the car start last Thursday?”

I am not saying that men are emotionally vacant, which this article implied.  I am questioning why I am emotionally plagued.  This might be an entry I do not want my boyfriend to read after what I’m about to admit, but sometimes, I am downright insane.  

My boyfriend is my best friend, and we get along pretty much all of the time. I do feel sorry for him however, when I get the dreaded ‘unidentified sad’. There’s been a time where he’s come home from work and went into the kitchen instead of coming in and saying hello to me first.  This has upset me.  

He’s good at telling if I’m distressed because he asks, “Why you wee sourpuss face?” Which makes me laugh, then become more annoyed because he’s not taking my feelings seriously.  I become increasingly pugnacious with every word he says.  I’m a wee sourpuss face because I feel like being a wee sourpuss face.  Why won’t he leave me alone?  But he better not DARE leave me alone, not without fixing my non-existent problem of ‘unidentified sad’. He better sit there under my baleful stare.  But he better not look me in the eye. Or use a certain tone of voice.  Or sit less than six inches away from me. Or hug me for more than 10 seconds. Or stand up.  Or sit down.  Or breathe.

Let’s face it, when I have ‘unidentified sad’, that poor man is fucked.

When I was younger and my parents used to fight, they would bitch behind each other’s back to my siblings and me.  My mum would complain my dad never listened or took hints, and my dad would complain my mum should see a brain doctor.  I told myself when I was in a serious relationship I would just TELL my partner what was wrong rather than have them guess.  I was good at this at the start, but there came to be a point in our relationship where I just felt he should know.  He should know things, like I know that he’s looking for his keys.  He should know I’m mad that he didn’t text me first, like I know he’s mad because he’s hungry.  He should know what to get me in the shop even when I don’t know what I want.

My literary effusions are in jest, but in the past I have been in a very dark place.  I worry when ‘unidentified sad’ lingers with me throughout the day like a gloomy dark cloud.  I have found the best way to extinguish this feeling is by embracing it.  I let it get to its worst, and then I let it go.  Sometimes I need to be sad.  It’s wrong for me to labour myself with the delusion that everything is consistently rosy, because periodically (and realistically), it isn’t.

There are things that keep ‘unidentified sad’ away – spending quality time with my boyfriend (phones away and wine poured), my dog when he’s being a good boy, talking to my dad on the phone (mum too when she’s in a good mood), seeing my brother and sisters, food, knitting, exercise, painting my nails or doing my make-up, writing, breakfast in bed (despite crumbs), reading, watching cooking programs, or just sitting thinking.  

What helps me most is realizing that I am not alone.  I had a comment about my last post from a girl I haven’t spoken to in years, who told me she agreed with everything I had written and really enjoyed my blog so far.  I’m always solicitous to cultivate opinions so I was touched, her small act of appreciation brought a golf-ball shaped lump of emotion into my throat.  Just to know someone can identify with me as a person, makes fighting my own ‘unidentified sad’ seem perfectly perfunctory.