I Need You!

Well butter me up and call me a biscuit, it’s been a whole freaking year since I started old bloggy here.

Seeing as I’ve been providing you all with such hilarious and thought provoking content once a week(ish) for a full 12 months, I wanted to know – Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

So the comment section on this post (and all other posts) is anonymous. You don’t have to be a member of WordPress to comment, so please feel free to ask whatever your heart desires.  If you don’t mind letting me know your name, you can also get in touch via various social media platforms (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter).

This could be a complete flop and/or total nightmare, but I mean it when I say; Ask me anything.  Dirty, clean, embarrassing, controversial, political, ethical, stupid, intellectual… Other various adjectives – I will answer them.

Next week’s blog is up to you.

I Went on a Holiday.

Bonjour!

I went to France!

About three weeks ago.

I told myself I wasn’t going to blog during my time away; I had no internet anyway and…  Well I’m lying.  I didn’t blog because my priority was to eat bread and drink wine all day.  I surpassed that goal, and ate bread and drank wine all day and all night.  Seriously, instead of brushing my teeth one morning, I tore off a piece of baguette and ate it.  I made sure to chew it plenty.  Plaque be gone.

Boyfriend and I were away for two weeks altogether.  I finished work and that holiday buzz began, even though I had to wait three days before leaving the country.  Did it stop me packing at 9am, an hour after I clocked off?  No-sir-eeee!  Barney was staying at my parents house so I packed him a little bag too.

Last year when we went to Majorca, we decided to take just one carry-on and get a big bag checked in.  This year, we figured it would be smarter to take smaller suitcases, as we were staying in Boyfriend’s parents’ house, therefore didn’t need much stuff.  Fully aware of the amount of unworn items in last year’s suitcase, this year I packed sensibly; four pairs of shorts, about ten t-shirts, one jumpsuit, three pairs of shoes (Nike runners and two pairs of sandals), two long dresses and four bikinis.  I ended up wearing all the shorts, about four tops, three bikini (tops), neither the dresses nor the jumpsuit and actually having to purchase a new pair of sandals, because the ones I took with me didn’t fit when I walked (if I stood still they were smokin’) and the others broke on the first day, so I had to put them in the skip at the bottom of the road when we went to the bottle bank.

Boyfriend had decided to rent a car, which was a super cool silver Ford Festia.  Did I drive the cool car?  Not even once.  They drive on the other side of the road in France, and I can barely tell left from right in my own country, never mind a foreigners’, so unfortunately, when we pulled out of the airport in our cool car, I started screaming; “You’re supposed to be on the right, the RIGHT!” I had had a few glasses of vino at the airport, but Boyfriend must have forgotten this as he jerked the wheel from side to side as he temporarily doubted himself.  He was a tad miffed, as we were actually already on the right side of the road.  My panic had infected his judgement for a millisecond, so I decided to keep quiet for the rest of the drive.

There are certain things that reassure you that you’re on holiday.  The smell when you walk out of the airport, it smells like heat, it hugs your skin and bones; you can’t help but take in a gulp of it with the cheesiest of grins on your face.  Another reassurance is the slight difference in landscape – French countryside is beautiful; flat and many shades of beige, with the horizon seeming an impossible distance away.  What I enjoyed most on our various jaunts in the car, was seeing the sunflower fields, it was like looking at thousands of children all looking up toward the sun.  I always thought it was funny that there was one really tall one poking up in the middle, as if it was on its tip-toes and straining its neck.  There was also something sorrowful about the way they seemed to look down when the sun went away, as if hanging their heads in hopelessness.

I fell asleep for a little while, even though it only took about an hour to reach the house.  My first impression was “That’s a skinny house” – but it was deceptive because it was tall. Inside, the space was perfectly managed; I declared I wanted to live there right away.  Then I had the challenge of walking up the stairs.  They were the wooden ones that are connected to the banister and stuck into the wall, the ones that terrified me as a child because they didn’t have a back; I always thought someone would grab my feet as I made my incline to the second floor.  No one grabbed my feet though, but I still clung to the railing every morning when I came down for breakfast.  We slept in bunk beds, which was great because it was roasting, so I didn’t have the immersion heater that is Boyfriend beside me, and Boyfriend didn’t have the Magic Fuzzy Wiggly Twisty Worm Toy Snake beside him (I move a lot in my sleep).

We did touristy things, visited a castle (narrow spiral stairs – also notably scary) , went to ZooParc Beauval (one of only 17 Zoos in the world that has Pandas – As I politely informed anyone who looked at me) We went swimming, for about 40 minutes until I got hungry and wanted to leave.  We went to a nightclub, although I don’t remember much of that, apart from chants of “MONTALONG, MONTALONG!”  We went to a theme park called Futuroscope and stood in some queues. We had a couple of BBQs, the first being a disposable from Intermarché, Boyfriend ate one cooked sausage and I had half a fillet of salmon before the coals sort of burned out and we had to use the oven.  The second BBQ was a more professional matter, we went to a friend’s house and they supplied us with food and drink, I was in my element when FIVE trays of snacks were brought out; cheese, crisps, nuts, tomatoes (with cheese), bread, more cheese.  Our hosts declared they didn’t go to much trouble, although I think they appreciated the glee in my eyes when the trays of nibbles and salads were coming out.

It is inevitable to argue with whoever you’re with whilst on holiday, but I think Boyfriend and I did pretty well.  If we did argue, it’s because we couldn’t decide on somewhere to eat, or what we wanted to do that day, or I was doing that annoying thing I do where I expect Boyfriend to be able to read my mind.  I should have just told him I what I wanted to do.  Then he could disagree and we could get on with whatever he wanted to do (ooooh, burn!)

On our last day, we spent most of the morning tidying up the house.  We drove to the city closest to our airport as we had a little time to kill.  Despite having been in France for the past 13 days, we forgot that all shops close from around 12am till 2pm for Lunch.  This would, of course, be the day that I had planned to get souvenirs for my family.  I ended up buying a packet of crisps for the plane instead.

All in all, we had a gay old time.  I didn’t get a tan, I didn’t die of alcohol poisoning, I didn’t eat frogs legs, I didn’t try pastries or chocolate, because of this, I will be returning to France when the next opportunity presents itself.