Google Maps.
I was going to leave this one till last because I abhor it the most, but I need to get it out of the way. I mentioned in my last post that Boyfriend and I were house hunting. There is no update on this, we are still looking. This is stressful, but not nearly as traumatic as using Google maps.
I’ve lived in Belfast for almost a year; I’m not wholly confident about knowing my way around but I could perhaps advise a lost tourist who speaks little English. I’ve never been the type of person to retain the knowledge of street names, so I prefer to use shops, bars, restaurants, libraries, or funny looking architecture to describe my location to others. I realise this is not ideal for everyone, especially when they’re the ones who require the directions (“You want to get to the nearest Tescos? Go down that second street and you’ll see a red shop, go left there till you get to the road with the pub on the corner then go right until you see the pointy blue thing and it’s just across the road next to the Chinese that does the nice chow mien.”)
So here’s how the app works (in case you didn’t know) – You type in an address and the lady in your phone takes you there. It shows your route and tells you how long it will take either by car, walking, bike or bus. Doesn’t it sound undemanding and valuable? Well it’s not, because she doesn’t take you there. The stupid e-fool takes you cross country, then back, and then she takes you there. I recently had to use her getting to North Belfast, however, this turned out to be the most stressful journey of my life. She started by telling me to get onto the main road; done. Five minutes after driving, take a Right; Done. Take two Lefts; Done. Only now doing it angrily, because I’m going the opposite direction to what she first told me to do. Ten minutes of driving, take a Right: Well this takes me back onto the main road you told me to get on to first… Take a Left; So still going in the same direction previously… Take a right; Back on the road I just got off, I really don’t trust you but I’ll keep listening because I don’t know where North Belfast is. Go across the bridge and take the third exit at the round-about; Back the way I came? Bisch whaaa? That is literally back the way I came, and don’t tell me it wasn’t safe to turn because there were ample turning opportunities. Forty minutes later and I arrive at the address she originally told me would take fifteen.
I appreciate the app can’t legally advise me to do anything hazardous, but what’s wrong with a U-Turn once in a while? I am the responsible one in the car, I am its master, do not worry about my safety, e-fool, just get me where I need to be quick quick. Good thing I leave early for everything.
Safari
I don’t even know the real reason why I have an aversion to this app. I have always used Google Chrome – I find it easier to use and visually more satisfying. There’s something about the Safari icon I really hate… And it’s so pointy… There are so many lines. I hate that there’s a blank screen when you first open it. I hate looking down on all the pages like it’s an old-school filing cabinet. I hate that all the links in my emails take me there, so there’s a million pages to close down. Most of all I hate that the ‘back’ and ‘forward’ arrows are at the bottom – This goes against all previous computer training!
Turns out I know exactly why I don’t like this app.
Candy Crush
A lot of my Facebook friends will read this and think; “WHAT? STUPID BITCH SENDS ME NOTIFICATIONS ALMOST EVERY DAY!”
Wanna know why? Wanna know what years of tickets and lives has given me!?
It’s given me the curse of being on level 831.
I hate this app because ever since I downloaded it, I am addicted. It’s slow, garish and the music is tremendously irritating but I have a problem. I’ve spent money on this app. On principle, I will never make an in-app purchase but there was one time, on a bus, when I was exceptionally bored, I had had a five level streak and the winning felt so good… I paid 0.60p of my hard earned money in order to get to the next level. I am ashamed, and have only ever shared that secret with other Candy Crush users, because they understand…
Topshop
I hate the Topshop app because of its arrogance. Click on and there’s a picture of a model looking at me like “Fuck you.”
I open it when I’m in desperate. When I’ve looked at every other clothing app I own (love you, ASOS!), I turn to Topshop. When I get there, I think; Is it the 70s now? Why is everything metallic or a turtle neck? Why is this white t-shirt £20?
Do not get me wrong – I really enjoy Twitter – But I never ever use the app on my phone. I will only ever scroll the newsfeed if I am on a computer. I’m not sure why, but I think it’s a lot easier to navigate on a larger screen.
Photo Editing Apps
I recently did a clear out of my “Photography” folder on my phone, and guess how many photo editing apps there were? Nine. I deleted most of them, choosing to keep Instagram and face swap. Every time I go to the app store there’s a new editing app to download. I love editing photos, but rarely use anything other than the iPhone camera itself or Instagram. All the others are too fiddly. I had an app that could change your skin tone, hair colour, face shape, but what’s the point in all that? I don’t want to be a different person; I just wanna look like I have a tan and no spots, thanksverymuch.
Minecraft
This is the final one, and to be perfectly honest, I’ve never played it in my life. I downloaded it for my little sister back when I lived at home. You think I had a problem with Candy Crush? PFFFTT! There was once she faked sick and didn’t go to school because she knew I was off work and she could play it on my iPad (I’m talking about my youngest sister here obviously – not the 17 year old). Every time I come home, after a hug I hear “Can I have your phone?” When I give it to her she’ll sit there for up to half a hour ‘building’ whatever it is, then she’ll run up to me (or whoever is there) and say “Look what I made, isn’t it amazing?” and you have to say yes, but really, it looks shit. It’s all brown and green blocks. Why is this so popular?
I am, indisputably, addicted to the internet. I think it is an amazing invention, and I honestly feel I am a more knowledgeable person for having access to it. I positively take for granted how difficult it must be to create an app – I know I couldn’t do it. When it comes down to it there’s only one thing that makes me really love an app – Simplicity. That’s of use and of design. If you app designers out there manage this, I’ll be a subscriber for life.
mollysbook 